Good news! I still have hair.

Not so great news….the CT showed some new and enlarged spots. The growth isn’t huge, but it is still growth. That, combined with my current symptoms, confirms that Taxol (the current chemo I am on) isn’t effective.

The fluid around my right lung has increased a little and there is now a spot on my left lung. There is also an inconclusive spot on my liver that is suspicious. There are a lot of spots on my bones still, one large one at T4, which hasn’t really changed since the last scan. Maybe that’s the one that is causing my back pain.

Warning….this might be a hard post to read.

I wrote an email to Tom today because I didn’t think I could tell him what I needed to in person without sobbing.

Last night I finished writing my letters to the girls, Tom and our parents for big milestones after I’m gone. I wrote letters for right after I die, high school and college graduation, weddings, pregnancy and if Tom remarries.

This has been on my to do list for 5 years. I think with the thought of another scan coming up next week and thinking about how we have not received one good scan report since the cancer returned, I just needed to do this while I am feeling ok and while my mind is working well.

I had planned to handwrite them, but my writing is pretty messy right now because my hands are a little shaky (especially as I sobbed as I wrote the letters). So they are typed and in cute cards for each occasion.

I pray I get to throw them all out and that they never read them! But if I am gone and one of those things happen, I want them to know how much I love them!

I have no idea if this is a good thing to do or not. I’m sure they will be hard to read at the time. But I needed to do it for me, the me right now, how I am feeling right now. It somehow helps me feel like they will be ok without me when I’m gone.

I also wrote a final blog post so Tom or someone else can post that.

So that’s my uplifting post for the day. Sorry. But like I have said before, I want to be transparent on this journey so people know what it’s really like to fight terminal cancer.

Having terminal cancer is hard. It’s messy. There are tears of joy and sadness. Thanks for walking the road with us.

My CT scan is scheduled for next Wednesday, the 30th. 2 days later on October 2nd, we have a telehealth appointment with Dr. Leung to find out the results.

Yesterday was the hardest day I have had in a while. Physically I struggled to get up and do anything, and I was an emotional mess. Chemo and the steroid were making my face very flushed and it felt like it was on fire. Looking back at the day, I should have taken some medicine to help me calm down. I finally did at 7pm and went to bed really early.

Mentally I have been preparing for my next scan to be in late November. To find out that it’s next week was a little bit of a shock. I’ll be glad to know if the chemo is working, but every scan we’ve done since October has not been good.

I’m not ready to have another bad scan. I’m not ready for another discussion of what chemo we move on to next. I don’t want to continue to make things harder on my family, especially my husband. I don’t want to look at my calendar, not knowing if I will be able to do anything on it until the morning of. I just don’t want to be sick anymore. I just want to feel good and have a lot of energy so I can be like one of those crazy people who is reorganizing their house after watching The Home Edit. Seriously. Do you know how much I love organizing?

I’m thankful that today is a little better than yesterday. I’ve been out of bed sitting in the recliner. Cortney and I discussed our James Bible study over video chat. I’ve done a few loads of laundry. I changed out the hangers in my closet. I swapped summer and winter clothes in my closet. I tried to help with some geometry. I prioritized my to do list. I put up a few fall decorations. I wrote a few letters. Each one of those things took a very brief amount of time. Between each of them I had to sit down and rest because I was very out of breath. But, I got somethings done and I’m very thankful!

As you pray for our family this week, will you please pray for peace in our home. Please continue to pray for the girls as they do school from home. Pray for Tom as he manages everything. Pray that as I parent in the midst of pain, my words will be gracious and kind. Pray that I will not worry about the scan coming up next week.

Also, thank you to everyone who helps provide meals for us a couple times a week. It is very helpful! October dates are up on the calendar if you are able to help.

Very quick update tonight because I’m so tired. I couldn’t make myself open my eyes and stay awake this morning. At 9:30, I really struggled, as I had no choice but to get ready and go to chemo.

Did you know there is such a thing as supplemental Cancer insurance?

What????

I just found out about it yesterday on Facebook from an acquaintance who had purchased it for her mother.

I had no idea something like this existed!

Here’s what I know….I am not eligible because I have already been diagnosed with cancer. That makes sense. Bummer. But I get it. So to qualify, you can’t have cancer. Got it!

Lord, thank you for allowing me to live another year…another year with Tom, our parents, the girls and friends.  Thank you for another year of life!

Thank you for salvation, forgiveness and grace.

Thank you for your Word and the encouragement it brings in difficult times.

Thank you for Tom and his dedication to You and to our family.

Thank you for our parents and the wonderful example they have set for us all of our lives.

Hooray! No chemo yesterday! It was nice to stay home and not have to go in to the infusion center. I slept horrible the night before and woke up not feeling the greatest because of that. After resting all morning, I was a little better in the afternoon/evening. I felt nauseous off and on that day. I finally took Zofran in the late afternoon because it wasn’t going away. It’s kind of strange to have that side effect a week after chemo. Maybe it was something else? Who knows….

I can’t complain about one day of not feeling the greatest because this past week I have felt good! Some days, I would say I even felt GREAT! WOOHOO!! Praise God for good days! I didn’t have the huge downer of fatigue like I did last week. I am so thankful!

This picture was taken on August 21, 2015, 8 days before my mammogram when I found out I had breast cancer.

Sitting on this log at Deception Pass, I definitely was not thinking that in 8 days I would find out I had breast cancer…….that a month later I would find out it was stage 4…….that we would have to tell our 3 young children that I had cancer…….that a few weeks later I would start chemotherapy. The list could go on and on.

Chemo went well on Monday and the early part of the week I felt pretty good. Wednesday was actually the best day I have had in a long time. I felt great! I had a lot of energy and enjoyed being out of bed. I was careful not to over do it. It was still a relaxing day, but I felt great!

The difference between yesterday (Wednesday) and today is huge. I was tired last night and was asleep by 8. I slept ’til 8:30 this morning and when I woke up, I was so fatigued that even lifting my arm felt like too much work. My body feels very heavy and I’m so weak and tired….the kind of tired that doesn’t get better with rest. Laying down feels like I’m doing too much. It’s a hard thing to explain. I’ve been in bed all day and still feel about the same. My brain feels foggy and i can’t believe it’s already the evening. Where did the day go??

Along with my chemo on Monday, I had my monthly Zometa infusion. The side effects from that might be part of what I’m feeling today. Who knows….

So far I’m doing pretty well after chemo on Monday. I’ve been tired and my back and side pain continue and I felt a little nauseous this morning. Overall, I’m doing really well. No complaints. I’m curious how next week will go.

Christy and I headed out to the wig store this morning to look at halo wigs and hats….and they are closed on Thursdays. UGH! So instead we had a lovely time driving to Federal Way to get a smoothie and McDonalds. LOL. I woke up feeling unsure emotionally about trying on hats and wigs today, so maybe that was for the best.