Warning….this might be a hard post to read.

I wrote an email to Tom today because I didn’t think I could tell him what I needed to in person without sobbing.

Last night I finished writing my letters to the girls, Tom and our parents for big milestones after I’m gone. I wrote letters for right after I die, high school and college graduation, weddings, pregnancy and if Tom remarries.

This has been on my to do list for 5 years. I think with the thought of another scan coming up next week and thinking about how we have not received one good scan report since the cancer returned, I just needed to do this while I am feeling ok and while my mind is working well.

I had planned to handwrite them, but my writing is pretty messy right now because my hands are a little shaky (especially as I sobbed as I wrote the letters). So they are typed and in cute cards for each occasion.

I pray I get to throw them all out and that they never read them! But if I am gone and one of those things happen, I want them to know how much I love them!

I have no idea if this is a good thing to do or not. I’m sure they will be hard to read at the time. But I needed to do it for me, the me right now, how I am feeling right now. It somehow helps me feel like they will be ok without me when I’m gone.

I also wrote a final blog post so Tom or someone else can post that.

So that’s my uplifting post for the day. Sorry. But like I have said before, I want to be transparent on this journey so people know what it’s really like to fight terminal cancer.

Having terminal cancer is hard. It’s messy. There are tears of joy and sadness. Thanks for walking the road with us.

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