Warning….this might be a hard post to read.
I wrote an email to Tom today because I didn’t think I could tell him what I needed to in person without sobbing.
Last night I finished writing my letters to the girls, Tom and our parents for big milestones after I’m gone. I wrote letters for right after I die, high school and college graduation, weddings, pregnancy and if Tom remarries.
This has been on my to do list for 5 years. I think with the thought of another scan coming up next week and thinking about how we have not received one good scan report since the cancer returned, I just needed to do this while I am feeling ok and while my mind is working well.
I had planned to handwrite them, but my writing is pretty messy right now because my hands are a little shaky (especially as I sobbed as I wrote the letters). So they are typed and in cute cards for each occasion.
I pray I get to throw them all out and that they never read them! But if I am gone and one of those things happen, I want them to know how much I love them!
I have no idea if this is a good thing to do or not. I’m sure they will be hard to read at the time. But I needed to do it for me, the me right now, how I am feeling right now. It somehow helps me feel like they will be ok without me when I’m gone.
I also wrote a final blog post so Tom or someone else can post that.
So that’s my uplifting post for the day. Sorry. But like I have said before, I want to be transparent on this journey so people know what it’s really like to fight terminal cancer.
Having terminal cancer is hard. It’s messy. There are tears of joy and sadness. Thanks for walking the road with us.
Love you Jen.
Jen, you have done a very brave, practical and cathartic thing in writing these letters. Your gift will be so meaningful when and if they’re read one day in the future. Never apologize for doing cancer your way. We all have to do what God leads us to do. He gave you the time and wisdom to carry out this task. Your love for your family is so evident in your efforts. I pray you will get some encouraging news after this next test. God bless you, dear one. May God strengthen you in the days ahead. Love and prayers, Bonnie
What a difficult thing to have to feel like you need to do, I can’t hold back the tears, my heart is for you and your family. I’m sure if the letters are needed it will be a cherished gift to each one of them. You are a special child of God Jennifer. You and your family are loved greatly. I am praying for God to meet each one of you in His perfect place.
Oh sweet friend, I know how excruciating painful this must have been for you…Your spiritual, physical and emotional strength continues to amaze me. I’m blessed to call you my friend and sister in Christ.
Oh you blessed, beautiful saint…your love for your family is so great and I believe that you have given them a wonderful gift. God willing, those letters will not be needed; but praise God that you love them enough to face reality holding the hand of your Savior for strength. As someone who had to face milestones without a mother and no letters to read, I am so grateful you did that for your girls. It will mean the world to them and will be so comforting. I applaud your faith, I applaud your strength in the Lord. I pray for you constantly and you encourage me by how real you are. You are a blessing!!
We are with you every step of the way… supporting, praying, hoping, and loving you. Those letters are often too difficult for someone to write, so they don’t. Unfortunately, that can lead to regret. You will not be left with regret and for those precious letters will be lifelong keepsakes for your family.
As I wake up to teach each day, I often think about the many things I learned while subbing in your classroom. I loved covering for you and you always were so kind to me. You are dear to me, sweet friend, and I am here to cheer you on, offer cyber hugs, and encourage you in any way that I can. Please never hesitate to be you and do exactly what feels right. You are a great you!
xoxo, Shanna
I also have tears in my eyes, yes, tears of joy and sadness. I have not wanted to write this to you but I think it might be the right time now. My wife died 3 years ago on May 10, 2017. Yes you are doing the right thing by writing the letters. Your love for Jesus will go on and many will hear about this and accept Him as their Lord and Savior. We had a praise service with singing, sharing, and a sermon. Seven people accepted the Lord as their Savior at her service. She passed away at our house with hospice after a 9 year fight. Everyone involved felt the presence of Jesus at our house. That afternoon and especially the next day and even to now I feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit in a way I never knew was possible. You wonder about your husband and girls? I know from experience that the Holy Spirit will comfort them in their tears and sadness. I am praying for all of you. One more thing, when I am at church praising Jesus I know that my wife is praising Jesus with me only she is looking into the face of Jesus. What must that be like. Love Bob
Dear Jen – You are an amazing young woman and an amazing woman of God.. Allowing us to see the “real you” as you have traveled this tremendously difficult and painful journey has been a real affirmation of your faith in the Lord and a real testimony to us who are watching. Thank you. Absolutely praying for peace of mind and physical comfort as you wait the news and praying that you won’t have to use those cards for a long, long time.
We love you.
dear friend – once again you are brave, honest and so “real” and in the midst of your trial you inspire me to live my life with the same simple faith in our Lord and Savior that you are demonstrating in this exceptional trial… You took care of something that has been on your heart for 5 years and I’m sure took a LOT of courage to follow through and complete… I also pray you never need them but if you do, your precious family will be forever grateful for your labor of love today. my heart and prayers are with you…
Jennifer, I think what you have done in writing the letters is a good thing and something your family will treasure if they are without you in the future. I sit here, years after cancer took my mother, and think how wonderful it would be to have a letter written especially to me, that i could pull out and read,especially when I am missing her. I still pray for good test results but I think what you have done is a beautiful act of love. Hugging you in my heart, Wendy
Dear Jen – You are an amazing woman of God and your faith and trust in Him has been a testimony to all of us who have shared this difficult and painful journey with you the past 5 years. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. You are in our prayers for peace of mind and physical comfort as you await the results of the next CT scan. Praying for an encouraging report and that you will not need to use those cards for a long, long time.
Deuteronomy 33:27
I too have Tears in my eyes and I applaud you for being so strong and realistic. Your girls and Tom will love you for ever and with the world as evil as it is it probably will not be long before we are all with you in glory. You have touched my heart so often in the short time I’ve know you I can’t thank you enough. And I pray you just ditch the letters at some point because you are well. I love you!
darling Jen – I have to confess I can’t find the right words for you and your family at this time. You are so loved and I knew your mom and dad quite well and prayed for your mom a lot and your dad is one kind, gentle soul. What you are doing with your notes is just so tender. Hang in there!
Thank you, thank you, for laying open your heart and bravely letting us see the side of cancer no one wants to talk about. We always hear about ‘the fight’ and ‘the treatment’ and ‘the hope’….. but today you showed us ‘the reality’. THIS is cancer. We are all praying you will get to rip up your beautiful letters. But cancer has forced you to imagine all options. I feel a huge sadness inside for you and your family, and am praying God and his army will continue to surround your home with love and protection.
Dear One,
What an excruciatingly courageous thing you have done. I am praying for ALL of you.
All my love and friendship,
Laura
Our hearts and prayers are with you and your family. Thank you for being open and vulnerable, it’s inspiring and empowering.
Lee & Courtnei
Oh Dear Jennifer, My heart is aching for you with heartfelt prayer to out Father who loves you and your precious family with a love beyond our understanding. We are praying with you and Tom and lifting your sweet daughters to His throne daily. We love you, Chuck and Bobbie
Dearest Jennifer, It’s hard to find the words to show my love and admiration for your strength to write those cards to leave your loved ones. One day it will be their most cherished possession, next to their bible. I know from experience loved ones words live on. My husband dealt with PTSD for 18 years before he took his own life. The letters and cards he left help me fill the void. I know your love for the Lord led the way. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt thoughts, allowing us to walk by your side in prayer for healing. Almighty God created the universe. He is the Great Healer. He has us inscribed in the palm of His hand. Isa.49:16. Only He knows when. My prayers continue for you and Tom and your precious girls. May God bless each of you daily, filling you with His hope and promises. My eternal love, Nancy