by Jennifer | Jan 29, 2016 | Blog |
It’s really different not knowing how you are going to feel from one day to the next. Up and down, up and down . . . like a roller coaster. When I wake up each morning, I lay there for a minute and see how I feel. It’s funny to me that I wake up thinking that, but how I feel determines what I’ll be able to do that day.
Unfortunately, my emotions seems to be on a roller coaster as well. One day I seem to be handling things fine. The next day (like Thursday), I’m crying every few minutes at everything.
I seriously feel like I’m on a roller coaster and I need to figure out how to get off of it (at least emotionally). I’m becoming weary, a word I don’t think I’ve ever used in my life up until this point. It’s different than tired. It’s this feeling of complete physical and emotional exhaustion with what seems like no end in sight. Maybe even for a time, a feeling of no hope. I’m going to be on this journey for a while, so somehow I need to figure out how to not let my mood and emotions be based on how I feel (which is easier said than done). I need to get my hope back. I know where my hope needs to be and in Whom it needs to be, I’m just failing at keeping that at the forefront of my mind right now. That’s not easy to admit, but if I’m being honest, that’s where I’m at tonight.
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by Jennifer | Feb 1, 2016 | Blog |
The word community comes up a lot as I talk with others who are fighting cancer or going through other difficult times in their lives. It’s encouraging to hear from on-line and in-person friends about the community that supports them day in and day out. I’ve talked about it briefly before and shared about the book Just Show Up, that I loved (and cried all the way through). Every day I am thankful for my community (you) that “shows up” for us by praying, calling, texting, emailing, helping in our home, etc. I can’t imagine being on this journey without you. It would be so much harder than it already is.
After my very depressing blog post last week, I’ve gathered a few more resources for the times when I am really down and discouraged. I have verses (with cute flowers around them) ready to go and I have Pandora on multiple devices, ready with worship music, at the click of a button. This is how I’m going to fight this hopelessness I was feeling last week when it returns. And no more thinking I don’t need help when Tom’s gone. I had a back-up plan for this morning, which I didn’t need, dinner being brought by a friend tonight and friends coming to help with the girls after school. I am ready and Tom is not worrying about us while he’s working! My community is showing up and I’m so thankful for the help!
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by Jennifer | Feb 5, 2016 | Blog |
I haven’t written much lately, mostly because I’m afraid what I write will just come across as complaining. I typed up my long list of complaints and frustrations and cried as I told my husband all of them. He suggested I not post the list – lol – (which I was never planning on) but it sure felt good to write it.
I know I’m struggling with depression. There’s not much to look forward to, although I do see the end of chemo in sight and am very excited about that! It’s not easy to get up every morning, not knowing how I’m going to feel and knowing that little things, like moving clothes from the washer to the dryer or untieing my shoes, will hurt. I struggle to get past that.
I’m trying really hard to limit my time on Facebook (which is such a time waster for me) and instead trying to pick up a book, listen to music, read scripture, etc.
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by Jennifer | Feb 10, 2016 | Blog |
Well, 13 rounds of chemo done and 3 more to go!!
The end is in sight and I’m so glad! Today went well. We were out of the infusion center by 11:45 and I was able to rest the rest of the day. The girls are in a play on Saturday at school and have practice after school all week, so I get a little extra time to rest in a quiet home,. (And we’ll have some pretty tired kids by the end of the week!)
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by Jennifer | Feb 13, 2016 | Blog |
This week has been different with the girls at school late into the afternoon/evening. All 3 of them are in Pinnocchio, put on by the Missoula Children’s Theather. They auditioned on Monday, had practices all week after school, and have 2 performances today. It’s a crazy week, and they are VERY excited and have had so much fun. (And so far no major meltdowns, but I’m sure there is at least one to come as they must be totally exhausted!!) Our oldest came to the conclusion that you don’t need to have one of the biggest parts in a play to have fun, and that having less lines was actually more fun, because it wasn’t as stressful. As a mom, I’m very happy to hear this as she has such big dreams, hopes, ideas, projects, etc.
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by Jennifer | Feb 14, 2016 | Blog |
Happy Valentine’s Day from our family to yours.
I woke up feeling horrible and not being able to speak a word, but am happy to report that my throat seems to be getting a little better as the day goes on. No visit to Urgent Care for me! Woohoo! Going to the girls play last night was hard – sitting next my aunt and uncle and not being able to talk and catch up, not being able to talk to other parents . .. ugh! No fun!!) I’m trying not to talk much and let Tom take care of things with the girls.
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by Jennifer | Feb 18, 2016 | Blog |
Another chemo is over. It was uneventful, which I’m thankful for. I rested most of the day afterward, but did get up in the evening to spend time as a family. The neuropathy has spread to my feet. It’s not very bad, and not constant like my hands, but they do occasionally tingle and the tips of my toes and toenails are tender.
I’m thankful for a little bit of energy Wednesday night to play flashlight Capture the Flag and Sardines as a family.
My friend Sarah from college is here for 4 days and has been such a big help. Currently she is spot cleaning the carpet all throughout our home because it hurts my hands to do it (and it’s driving me crazy). Bless her!! We have a few other cleaning projects on the list today and then tomorrow, for her last day here, we are off to meet friends at the Science Center. Hoping I have enough energy to make it through that. 🙂
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by Jennifer | Feb 21, 2016 | Blog |
(Written on Saturday)
This whole “living one day at a time thing” is hard.
If you’ve been following me on this journey for any amount of time, you know I struggle with letting my mind wander and worry about all the possible “what-ifs” of my diagnosis. The only way I have been able to function is to remember that God has given me TODAY. There’s no promise of tomorrow. All I have is today. So I’m focusing on living one day at a time and trusting and knowing that God will be with me, no matter what comes with each new day that He gives me.
Today was a bit of a whirlwind, full of goodbyes, hellos, instruction, exhaustion, frustration, rest, etc. It was one of those days where I’m both physically and emotionally exhausted by the end of the day as a parent.
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by Jennifer | Feb 24, 2016 | Blog |
Another chemo is done and it was again, uneventful. I slept most of the time as I was very tired and a bit achy today. I also took a couple small naps today and laid down until the kids got home from school.
There was not much new news at my Dr. appointment yesterday. The tumor seemed about the same size. After Tom and I coordinate a couple calendar items, I can call the breast surgeon and get that appointment set up to talk about surgery. We are hoping to schedule surgery the week after Spring Break (April 11- 15). I also have an appointment on March 25th to hear the results of my pet scan which should be done a few days prior to that.
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by Jennifer | Mar 1, 2016 | Blog |
It’s been a LONG 4 1/2 months of chemo.
But here I am, the night before my last chemo. I can’t believe it will be over tomorrow (well not really, but at least the infusion part of it).
4 1/2 months ago we prepared for the worst – my full time care with Tom working from home and a friend here the day he was up in Seattle working. Fortunately, it was not as bad as we had prepared for. There were some very hard days, but there were also some good days. It’s the very end of chemo and today, I was able to be a normal mom, taking our 6 year old to the Dr. for her allergies and going to school play auditions for our 2 oldest kids. I am so thankful my body handled the chemo as well as it did!!
I’ll be honest, I have mixed feelings about tomorrow being my last chemo. Don’t get me wrong. I’m very glad it will be over. I just really want it to be my last one, forever. I don’t ever want to walk back in the infusion center again in my entire life, for me or for anyone else I know.
It’s not a horrible place. The nurses and people that work there are wonderful and I have loved getting to know them. They are very friendly and kind. They know us by name and greet us with a smile each week. I’d love to run into them when we are out and about. But never want to see them at the Infusion Center again. 🙂 I look forward to saying goodbye tomorrow and taking them some yummy blueberry scones as a “Thank You” for taking such good care of me these past 4 1/2 months.
We have been focusing so much on chemo and managing the side effects that come and go each week. It seems strange to be coming to an end of that.
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