It’s really different not knowing how you are going to feel from one day to the next. Up and down, up and down . . . like a roller coaster. When I wake up each morning, I lay there for a minute and see how I feel. It’s funny to me that I wake up thinking that, but how I feel determines what I’ll be able to do that day.
Unfortunately, my emotions seems to be on a roller coaster as well. One day I seem to be handling things fine. The next day (like Thursday), I’m crying every few minutes at everything.
I seriously feel like I’m on a roller coaster and I need to figure out how to get off of it (at least emotionally). I’m becoming weary, a word I don’t think I’ve ever used in my life up until this point. It’s different than tired. It’s this feeling of complete physical and emotional exhaustion with what seems like no end in sight. Maybe even for a time, a feeling of no hope. I’m going to be on this journey for a while, so somehow I need to figure out how to not let my mood and emotions be based on how I feel (which is easier said than done). I need to get my hope back. I know where my hope needs to be and in Whom it needs to be, I’m just failing at keeping that at the forefront of my mind right now. That’s not easy to admit, but if I’m being honest, that’s where I’m at tonight.
I think part of the reason I was so emotional on Thursday was because I had to admit I had really messed up on Tuesday. You see, I want to be able to take care of my family like I used to be able to. Some days I get pretty close. However, Tuesday I was nowhere close. Tom had to work up in Seattle that day and I had known about it for a few weeks. Usually when he is working all day away from our town, I have a friend here to help or at least one on call in case I need help.
Tuesday, I thought I could do it on my own, even though Tuesdays now seem to be my hardest day of the week. Our girls are old enough to help with dinner (leftovers), dishes, showers, homework, piano, etc, with just a little guidance from me. I thought we could do it. By the end of the night I knew I should have asked for help. (And yes, I know some of you are thinking, “Why didn’t you call me?” because you have told me I can call for help anytime.) Tom told me later that he almost called one of my friends to go over and help. I was totally worthless by the end of the night. I must have scared the girls, as they talked to Tom about me dying quite a few times that night and the next day.
Parent fail!
I’m to the point where a few days of the week, I can’t take care of my family without help and that’s really hard to admit. I hate it. It makes me cry. I know it’s just for a season, but it makes me really sad.
The tears were flowing on Thursday as I processed that and as Tom and I talked about it. I’m doing better now, but I’m emotionally exhausted!
Despite being so upset with myself for not asking for help when I truly needed it, I can still see so many things to be thankful for during this hard time.
I’m thankful for the mornings before school where so far I am still able to get the girls out the door for school by myself. I love that time with them. This has been a great help to Tom as it’s his most productive time of day to work.
I’m thankful for friends to talk to and who encourage me to keep my eyes on the Lord and not lose hope.
I’m thankful for friends who ask if Monday is an OK day to come over and clean our house.
I’m thankful for friends who send cards and emails of encouragement.
I’m thankful for my husband who works so hard to provide for us and to take care of us, even when he is completely exhausted. (More tears . . .)
I’m thankful for kids who are learning to help without being asked and occasionally even ask what they can do to help.
And most of all, I’m thankful for a God who doesn’t give up on me and is always with me. (Tears again . . .)
Thanks for reading tonight.
I love you Jennifer and I am so sorry you are struggling. I am continuing to pray for you.
Hang in there, Jennifer. Don’t beat yourself up. Keep journaling, and remember you are handling this situation better than any of the rest of us could. We are so proud of you. This too shall pass, and God will give you the strength to go thru it. Many, many people are praying you thru it.
Failing is always difficult for us humans…but, a great lesson in how GREAT God is. It is hard, especially when you are sick, to be further humbled. It’s a temptation (at least for me) to think, isn’t the disease enough? But humility is always where God has us. You are just in a more vulnerable place as you can’t bring up the emotional strength to match your determination. Rest in His provision ♥ He has your back through all of this ♥ and will sustain you through it. It hurts my ♥ to think you think you “should have known” to do differently. You have never had this disease before, nor gone through any of the treatments. ♥ hugs and continued prayers. May this make all of us more compassionate towards one another and determined to bring the gospel of hope to others (I know you have that hope…it will break forth at the least expected time…let the Lord do it for you and through you – Rom. 11:36).
I am so sorry you are having such a tuff time. You are so very lucky to have such wonderful friends that will help out when you need it, all you need to do is ask them. When all of your chemo is over with, you will be able to do all the things you did before. I pray god will help you with all your struggles. Isaiah 41:10 Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you; I will up hold you with my righteous right hand. Take care sweet Jennifer. God bless.
Dear Jennifer, This song has really ministered to me and I pray it will minister to you, too!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ
God bless you!
This is a reminder to me of how much we take for granite when so often we are blessed with normal days and don’t view them as we should. I hurt for you but trust that the Lord will walk with you and surely is your best source for getting through it. Keep up the good fight and don’t be to hard on yourself. I am thankful that you have people who are able to support your family during this trying time. Keeping all of you in my prayers.
Thank you for this post. As I read it, your words about being frustrated that you have to depend on others to do the tasks that you feel like you should be able to do on your own just reminded of how many times I rely on my OWN strength rather than being 100% dependent on the LORD for the work He has called me to do. It also reminded me of this verse:
Ephesians 2:10
“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”
God has prepared good works for each of us to do – before we even know it. I hope that you can see that asking for people to help you (which is how the Church is supposed to work anyway!) as God using YOU to give them the ability to do the “good works” that God had prepared for them to do!
When I was in college at Master’s I always hated asking people for money donations for me to be able to go on choir tour. But, Dr. Plew (our director) wisely said that by asking we are giving people an opportunity to share in the experience in a way that only they can. So, I think it’s the same in your life and in mine. When we need people to share our load – it’s OK and it can be a HUGE blessing for them. And, I’m sure it is SUCH a testimony to your girls to see the Body of Christ functioning in this way to serve you and your family.
Anyway – those are my thoughts. Thanks for your continued honesty because it helps me pray for specifically! Praying from Texas! (the Bible Belt – where prayers get to God MUCH faster…ha, ha…just kidding!!)
Dear Jennifer, you are not alone. My mom called it chemo brain and she actually became more negative and grumpy than tearful. I much rather see tears than anger. Tears to me represent a humble heart that can be molded by our Heavenly Father. When I have a difficult day I call it a Jonah day, because I feel like I have been swallowed by a really big fish. The best part is our Lord see’s us through the lense of Christ and sees us as His child who needs comfort, guidance and grace. He forgives our shortcomings and blesses us beyond measure. And as I have been learning in Ephesians, there is strength in the body (and our own body) when others come alongside and serve together. It is the power of one (the church) in the One.
Love you and praying for you and your family ❤️
I do not have any idea what you are going thru, but I do know that our Lord will be there every step of the way, lean on him! I realize your struggle right now is amazing, hang in there! I agree with Susan that tears are better than anger! In my prayers.❤️
Dear Jennifer, I can understand how you are feeling. My kids were grown when I had cancer, but I felt like I was losing control of everything, and no matter how I tried I had no energy to do anything about anything!! I was at the mercy of my cancer and felt so weak and helpless. I was nauseated 24/7 and MS didn’t help the situation. But I had to remember that this was something out of my control and the God was controlling it!! When my Dad died in the middle of my cancer journey, I felt like I had lost my biggest supporter…….my Daddy. The one who was my strength when I was scared, and I could go to him to feel better and safe. I felt like giving up. But my Heavenly Father reminded me that He was always there and wouldn’t leave me. I know it’s much harder with three little girls who need you, you won’t be able to do it all, so don’t be reluctant to ask for help from friends when you need it. It sounds like they are more than willing to pitch in. I love hearing how your girls are helping too. They love their mommy and I bet helping is good therapy for them too. Keep fighting and don’t give up…..you want to keep moving forward, not two steps back!! The will to fight and how hard you fight is up to you!! Let the tears come, you are not alone there, but don’t give up!! I think of you every day and pray for you and your family! You are a great mom, but take time to let someone be your caregiver, so you can be a better you!! HUGS and love to you!! Karen
Jennifer,
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are going through a lot right now. It is okay to ask for help when we need it. That’s what the body of Christ is for. To bear each others burdens and to care for the needs of others. The Lord is your strength, joy, and peace. Lean on Him and let Him sustain you which He will do. Rest in Him and don’t be anxious for anything. He is with you every moment of every day even though you may not feel Him. We continue to pray for you and your precious family.
Wow, I appreciate you sharing this with us. It’s hard to be so emotionally vulnerable, but now we have a better idea of how to specifically pray for you. You are well loved by God and all of us. Hang in there, sister!
Dear Jennifer, my heart goes out to you. Let those tears fall when they come. I have found that in many ways they help relieve the pressure of all that is going on. God understands our tears far better than we do. All who read your blog are so very proud of you. You are far more amazing than you give yourself credit for. You are providing a beautiful ministry as you travel through this experience and God is using it mightily. Let Him hold you in His loving arms on those difficult days and feel His peace. You remain in my prayers. Love you, Patti
Dear Jennifer, You’re in my prayers daily that God will fill you with His peace that surpasses all understanding as you cope with the aftermath of these treatments. He sees every tear and hears every whisper. Never forget how close He is and remember how very much He loves you. Your plate is full but you’re an amazing mom. Never doubt that for a second. During one of your good days maybe you could find the time to check out “The Truth about Cancer” special online. It’s very informative and filled with hope and wisdom. I was just reading about Frankincense Oil and how it helps with cancer. One of the gifts the wise men brought baby Jesus was for healing. Love and blessings, Nancy
Dearest Jennifer. Your struggles are deep & wide. As the 3 Hebrew boys were placed within the furnace, so it was seen a 4th man who was like an angel.
Daniel 3:28 (KJV)
[Then] Nebuchadnezzar spake, and said, Blessed [be] the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who hath sent his angel, and delivered his servants that trusted in him, and have changed the king’s word, and yielded their bodies, that they might not serve nor worship any god, except their own God.
May Jesus’ presence fill your heart & soul with comfort & courage.