It’s really different not knowing how you are going to feel from one day to the next. Up and down, up and down . . . like a roller coaster. When I wake up each morning, I lay there for a minute and see how I feel. It’s funny to me that I wake up thinking that, but how I feel determines what I’ll be able to do that day.
Unfortunately, my emotions seems to be on a roller coaster as well. One day I seem to be handling things fine. The next day (like Thursday), I’m crying every few minutes at everything.
I seriously feel like I’m on a roller coaster and I need to figure out how to get off of it (at least emotionally). I’m becoming weary, a word I don’t think I’ve ever used in my life up until this point. It’s different than tired. It’s this feeling of complete physical and emotional exhaustion with what seems like no end in sight. Maybe even for a time, a feeling of no hope. I’m going to be on this journey for a while, so somehow I need to figure out how to not let my mood and emotions be based on how I feel (which is easier said than done). I need to get my hope back. I know where my hope needs to be and in Whom it needs to be, I’m just failing at keeping that at the forefront of my mind right now. That’s not easy to admit, but if I’m being honest, that’s where I’m at tonight.
I think part of the reason I was so emotional on Thursday was because I had to admit I had really messed up on Tuesday. You see, I want to be able to take care of my family like I used to be able to. Some days I get pretty close. However, Tuesday I was nowhere close. Tom had to work up in Seattle that day and I had known about it for a few weeks. Usually when he is working all day away from our town, I have a friend here to help or at least one on call in case I need help.
Tuesday, I thought I could do it on my own, even though Tuesdays now seem to be my hardest day of the week. Our girls are old enough to help with dinner (leftovers), dishes, showers, homework, piano, etc, with just a little guidance from me. I thought we could do it. By the end of the night I knew I should have asked for help. (And yes, I know some of you are thinking, “Why didn’t you call me?” because you have told me I can call for help anytime.) Tom told me later that he almost called one of my friends to go over and help. I was totally worthless by the end of the night. I must have scared the girls, as they talked to Tom about me dying quite a few times that night and the next day.
I’m to the point where a few days of the week, I can’t take care of my family without help and that’s really hard to admit. I hate it. It makes me cry. I know it’s just for a season, but it makes me really sad.
The tears were flowing on Thursday as I processed that and as Tom and I talked about it. I’m doing better now, but I’m emotionally exhausted!
Despite being so upset with myself for not asking for help when I truly needed it, I can still see so many things to be thankful for during this hard time.
I’m thankful for the mornings before school where so far I am still able to get the girls out the door for school by myself. I love that time with them. This has been a great help to Tom as it’s his most productive time of day to work.
I’m thankful for friends to talk to and who encourage me to keep my eyes on the Lord and not lose hope.
I’m thankful for friends who ask if Monday is an OK day to come over and clean our house.
I’m thankful for friends who send cards and emails of encouragement.
I’m thankful for my husband who works so hard to provide for us and to take care of us, even when he is completely exhausted. (More tears . . .)
I’m thankful for kids who are learning to help without being asked and occasionally even ask what they can do to help.
And most of all, I’m thankful for a God who doesn’t give up on me and is always with me. (Tears again . . .)
Thanks for reading tonight.