Encouragement and Community
The word community comes up a lot as I talk with others who are fighting cancer or going through other difficult times in their lives. It’s encouraging to hear from on-line and in-person friends about the community that supports them day in and day out. I’ve talked about it briefly before and shared about the book Just Show Up, that I loved (and cried all the way through). Every day I am thankful for my community (you) that “shows up” for us by praying, calling, texting, emailing, helping in our home, etc. I can’t imagine being on this journey without you. It would be so much harder than it already is.
After my very depressing blog post last week, I’ve gathered a few more resources for the times when I am really down and discouraged. I have verses (with cute flowers around them) ready to go and I have Pandora on multiple devices, ready with worship music, at the click of a button. This is how I’m going to fight this hopelessness I was feeling last week when it returns. And no more thinking I don’t need help when Tom’s gone. I had a back-up plan for this morning, which I didn’t need, dinner being brought by a friend tonight and friends coming to help with the girls after school. I am ready and Tom is not worrying about us while he’s working! My community is showing up and I’m so thankful for the help!
Sometimes I Feel Like I’m on a Roller Coaster
It’s really different not knowing how you are going to feel from one day to the next. Up and down, up and down . . . like a roller coaster. When I wake up each morning, I lay there for a minute and see how I feel. It’s funny to me that I wake up thinking that, but how I feel determines what I’ll be able to do that day.
Unfortunately, my emotions seems to be on a roller coaster as well. One day I seem to be handling things fine. The next day (like Thursday), I’m crying every few minutes at everything.
I seriously feel like I’m on a roller coaster and I need to figure out how to get off of it (at least emotionally). I’m becoming weary, a word I don’t think I’ve ever used in my life up until this point. It’s different than tired. It’s this feeling of complete physical and emotional exhaustion with what seems like no end in sight. Maybe even for a time, a feeling of no hope. I’m going to be on this journey for a while, so somehow I need to figure out how to not let my mood and emotions be based on how I feel (which is easier said than done). I need to get my hope back. I know where my hope needs to be and in Whom it needs to be, I’m just failing at keeping that at the forefront of my mind right now. That’s not easy to admit, but if I’m being honest, that’s where I’m at tonight.
Hard Days
The week started off good. I was able to manage the pain and help out quite a bit around the house. Tom needed to work a lot this past week because of a new menu tasting he had yesterday (which went really well). So I am thankful for those good days.
Even though the week started off good, Monday afternoon/evening and Tuesday were really hard. Monday night around 6:30, my body said, “Enough is enough,” and I had no choice but to lay down. I’m so thankful Tammy was here to help with the girls.
Tuesday was a hard day and girls did great afterschool, despite me laying down most of the time. Last night was one of those nights I probably should have had help around the house, since Tom had to work in Seattle ’til about 9. But we survived. I think I might have scared our oldest a bit because I was so tired and not feeling well. I even cried for a bit in bed. When Tom got home, she had a lot of questions for him about me.
Missing My Mom
It’s hard to believe that my Mom has been gone for 14 years. In some ways it seems like forever. When she was alive I was married, but working full time with no kids. . . a life that seems so foreign to me now.
With my cancer diagnosis, I wondered how I would be feeling today, the anniversary of her death. I don’t feel like it’s harder this year, but it’s definitely different.
Each year on this day, I relive the morning in my head. Hearing my Dad leave for work, walking out of the bedroom at 7:30 am to find my Mom no longer alive, calling my Dad to tell him, calling Tom (who didn’t answer the phone), calling Christina next door who went banging on the windows of our house to tell Tom to call me, hugging and crying with my Aunt Karen, going to Forest Lawn and lots more crying.
The New Normal
It’s funny when people ask me how I’m doing. My answer is always the same.
I’m tired.
That’s my new normal. My body is physically tired ALL. THE. TIME.
The side effects seem to change from day to day as they come and go, but the fatigue is always there.
So if you ask me how I am, I’ll probably just say OK and just can just know that I’m tired, at least for the next two months.
A few people have asked me lately when my end date is for chemo. My last infusion is March 2nd. I go 6 more times. Yesterday marked the halfway point through this cycle.
Surviving the Weekend and Other AMAZING Things
Saturday was a great day! Not only did I survive the Science Center birthday celebration (woohoo!), I was able to sit down with our youngest and share the gospel with her, yet again. This time, she accepted the Lord as her Savior!!
Yep! Great day indeed!!
I had been praying that God will give me the perfect time and conversation starter to talk with just her. This morning, the conversation started out by talking about the death of my Aunt’s mother, which lead to talking about my Mom and heaven, which was the perfect intro to the conversation.
It Feels So Good to do “Normal” Mom Things
Normal Mom things . . . watching your 5th grader perform in an assembly at school, eating lunch with your 8 year old at school on her birthday . . . I love doing “normal” Mom things.
It was so strange signing in at the office at the girls’ school today. It had been a long time. I used to be there multiple times a week. I miss it. But I am so thankful that today I was doing well enough to make it to school twice in one day (using hand sanitizer and washing my hands right away afterwards).
The end of the week has been easier than the first part of the week. Thankfully I’m done having a pity party for myself and I am so thankful to have been able to get out of the house and keep busy the past few days. I feel so much better when my mind is busy and I have something to think about besides cancer.
Quick Update Today
Chemo knocked me out today . . . even fell asleep at the infusion center so here’s a quick update and hopefully I won’t fall asleep while typing!
Dr apt. yesterday:
- tumor has shrunk 1 cm in both length and width
- a PET scan will most likely be done before my surgery to see how well the chemo worked and to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else
- Radiation after surgery might not be done if, 1) the cancer has spread somewhere else or 2) the Dr. is confident the chemo killed all the cancer. I believe this decision/recommendation will come from a radiation oncologist which we have not met with yet.
Cancer Changes the Way You Think of Things
I’m sure it’s probably not a surprise, but having a stage 4 cancer diagnosis really changes the way you think of things. Obviously it changes how you think about family and friends, but surprisingly it makes you think differently when shopping (at least for me).
Before I tell you about my trip to Target yesterday, let me assure you that I’m still being pretty successful at living in today and not worrying about the future. But with that said, here’s where my thoughts went when I was at Target shopping yesterday ., . .
I needed a new golf umbrella to get to and from the bus stop. I was about to buy a cute polkadot one, but as I started to walk away I thought, “When I die, Tom isn’t going to want to use a polkadot umbrella to walk to the bus! I should buy the black one.” So I put it back and bought the black one. read more…
I’m 1/3 of the way done with Chemo! Woohoo!
Today was my 4th infusion of Taxol (12 total). So I’m 1/3 of the way done. Yay!
My port worked on the first time (so thankful for that) and we were out of the infusion center and home just before noon!! Everything went very smoothly.
The last round was a bit harder than the previous one. After 2 days of being pretty uncomfortable, I sent a message to the Dr. letting him know I was ready to try something for the achiness and pains I was feeling. So I’m armed and ready with a new plan of attack which I’ll start tomorrow (Thursday), the day before I would expect to start feeling the effects from the chemo.
Meet Jennifer
Breast Cancer Patient, Chef Wife and Mom
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