I’m sure it’s probably not a surprise, but having a stage 4 cancer diagnosis really changes the way you think of things. Obviously it changes how you think about family and friends, but surprisingly it makes you think differently when shopping (at least for me).
Before I tell you about my trip to Target yesterday, let me assure you that I’m still being pretty successful at living in today and not worrying about the future. But with that said, here’s where my thoughts went when I was at Target shopping yesterday ., . .
I needed a new golf umbrella to get to and from the bus stop. I was about to buy a cute polkadot one, but as I started to walk away I thought, “When I die, Tom isn’t going to want to use a polkadot umbrella to walk to the bus! I should buy the black one.” So I put it back and bought the black one.
Seriously?
Yep. I bought the black one.
Don’t get me wrong, I love black. The majority of my wardrobe is black and gray, so it’s not a big deal to get a black umbrella. It just surprised me that that thought came to mind. Cancer changes the way you think of things whether you like it or not.
Before we went on our cruise in September, we bought Tom a suit. As I was in the store looking at the suits, I kept thinking, “This will probably be the suit Tom wears to my funeral.” Now that funeral may be in a year or 15 years, but it will probably be the suit since it’s a big purchase and as a chef, he rarely wears one.
At first I was bothered by this thought. However, when I mentioned it to Tom, he said he had thought the same thing. So I guess my diagnosis is not only changing the way I think, but the way others around me think as well.
These aren’t thoughts that I dwell on. They come in my mind and then go out. It’s just something I never thought about before.
Looking at the brighter side of things . . .
Last month, Tom and I agreed to let our oldest have friends over (6 in addition to our 3) to practice and perform a musical she wrote. I am very grateful to only be feeling tired or I would be laying in bed going out of my mind listening to 9 kids singing and talking (loudly) in our home. (And Tom is very grateful too as he was able to “escape” to Starbucks to work instead of needing to hang out here. Haha!) A few months ago, we had told the girls that there was a good chance there would not be playdates at our house while I was going through chemo, and now here we are today – 9 healthy kids practicing a musical in our playroom.
The kids are so excited and with that comes crazy excitement. Oh my . . . what memories they are making!!
When our kids were younger, Tom and I talked often, wondering what our girls would be interested in, what they would excel in, etc. And while I sometimes get frustrated with the size of the projects our oldest is always wanting to plan, it’s also been fun to see what she is really interested in and what looks like will be her passion – musical theater.
Since my diagnosis, I now enjoy these crazy moments (most of the time) and am thankful I am healthy enough to be part of them. I pray I will be able to be part of them for many years to come.
Another example – Yesterday morning, both Tom and I knew would be a difficult morning for the girls to get up and get ready for school because of a busy day before. Instead of just praying God would help us get through the morning, I started off the morning thanking God for the morning, good or bad. Because no matter what type of morning it ended up being, it was a morning, I was alive, feeling good, and was able to be their Mom. Too many mornings I have just prayed we would just be able to get through the day and never stopped to be thankful for the hard days. Hard days are better than no days.
Don’t get me wrong. I will never be one of those people that goes up to a mom of a screaming baby and tell her to enjoy every moment, because they grow up so fast. Not all moments are worth enjoying. I get that! 10:30pm last night while I was talking with a very unhappy child, was not enjoyable. I’m just seeing that even those unenjoyable moments are moments God has given me and I need to be thankful for them. Thinking like that has actually helped me be a little more patient with the girls. Again, cancer has a way of changing how you look at things.
In Other News . . .
I have had no pain today and the medicine the Dr. gave me for the hot flashes is working great! I’m am enjoying this week so much more than last! Woohoo!! Praise God! Please pray that tomorrow is the same as today as the kids are back to practice the musical again and then to perform it in the last afternoon.
We are still awaiting news about our financial aid application from the University of Washington and we just started a new calendar year, resetting our deductible back to 0. Please pray that whatever decision is made, we will be at peace about it and will trust God to provide.
Will you also pray that the peripheral neuropathy in my right hand does not get any worse and goes away. My right hand feels pretty numb tonight. It doesn’t hurt, but it’s annoying. 🙂
If there is something specific I can pray for you, please email me and let me know!
So much to be thankful for . . .
PS: If you shop on Amazon.com, would you use my affiliate link to help me keep this blog online? Thanks! 🙂
Jennifer, thank you sssooo much for today’s blog. Am at work, and was just spending time with the Lord before waking my client up….then read your blog. It was a PERFECT continuation of the fellowship already experienced. I especially loved this sentence.
“I’m just seeing that even those unenjoyable moments are moments God has given me and I need to be thankful for them.”
I only PRAY that I don’t forget that, when things get more difficult. We (I) are sssssooo forgetful! Thank you again dear lady. Am still praying. €:-)
I am so glad you are feeling well and are enjoying your family. We continue to pray for all of you and your specific requests. We should never take anything for granted and enjoy the blessings in our lives each day. May the Lord strengthen and sustain you.
“Hard days are better than no days”—AMEN!
Cancer has a way of putting life in perspective. What really matters becomes crystal clear! Nothing is taken for granted. So glad your feeling better! Continued prayers for you and your family.
Jennifer, I think cancer changes your way of thinking forever once you’ve had it. I still look over my shoulder, waiting for its return. I remember thinking when I had chemo “I need to find a week or day when I feel good, and purge this house. If I left this behind for Rick, he’d be very displeased!!” I still think in the present, but don’t buy things long-term……unless it’s appliances or something. I don’t shop for collectibles, or a wardrobe of clothes, just a few things….you can’t take it with you, and Lord knows, Rick doesn’t need to get rid of my “treasures”. I guess living simplier makes me feel like it’s one thing of the unknown I can control and make easier. I hope this week’s treatments go well for you! Just remember today’s blessings, and forget today’s troubles and disappointments. Your blessings may be few that day,but thank God for them. They are your sustaining force when life gets hard!! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!! Love and prayers!! Karen
Funny you should mention purging . . . Tom and I have been busy the past few weeks doing just that!!
I am sure some of the way your are thinking now are very different than it was before. Sounds like you had some very good days. I am so happy to hear you weren’t in as much pain after your chemo. All I can say God is good, and you are one heck of a strong lady. I pray your next Chemo treatment will leave you with less sickness. We are thinking of you every day. God Bless you sweet Jennifer.