It’s hard to believe that my Mom has been gone for 14 years. In some ways it seems like forever. When she was alive I was married, but working full time with no kids. . . a life that seems so foreign to me now.
With my cancer diagnosis, I wondered how I would be feeling today, the anniversary of her death. I don’t feel like it’s harder this year, but it’s definitely different.
Each year on this day, I relive the morning in my head. Hearing my Dad leave for work, walking out of the bedroom at 7:30 am to find my Mom no longer alive, calling my Dad to tell him, calling Tom (who didn’t answer the phone), calling Christina next door who went banging on the windows of our house to tell Tom to call me, hugging and crying with my Aunt Karen, going to Forest Lawn and lots more crying.
This day has gotten easier for me over the years. While I still miss her very much, I no longer dread it. I no longer wonder how I’m going to make it through the day. I’m thankful for that.
Losing a parent is hard. I’ve written about it before, so I won’t say it all again. But it’s hard. It’s hard for the days, weeks, months and years to come.
In years past, I’ve taken out scrapbooks and looked at them, but I don’t think I can do that this year. I don’t think I can have all those conversations about my Mom with the girls right now. I just don’t think I’m up for talking about her death from cancer and then hearing the girls ask how long I have to live and the myriad of other questions they always have that I don’t have the answers to. I just can’t do that today.
Today is going to have to just be a regular day, full of my new normal and hanging out with the kids and Tom (if he’s not working).
I’m not sure that’s the best approach, but that’s the plan for now. If I tear up at some point and the girls ask why, things might change. We’ll see . . .
The past few days have been pretty good. I had a lot of energy on Thursday and a decent amount of energy for part of the day on Friday. I’m so thankful for this as Tom had to go out of town overnight for work at the last minute.
The pain in my fingers was worse yesterday, so I’m anxious to talk to the Dr. about that on Tuesday and see if there is anything different we can do about that. Other than that, there’s not much else to report. 🙂
We are still so thankful for how well my body is tolerating the chemo. Please pray with us that it continues to do so!
If there is something specific I can pray for you, please email me and let me know!
So much to be thankful for . . .
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