Total Transparency

I’m writing this as I am on the treadmill, out of breath, talking into my phone.

But before I write anymore, can I just very nicely say that I am not looking for suggestions of things to do or try at this point. I am just being transparent on this journey.  Thank you so much for understanding that.

I’ve been debating on whether or not to even write a post, but I keep coming back to the reasons I started this blog in the first place… Keeping friends and family up-to-date with my cancer journey, being transparent so others can know what it’s like to battle stage 4 breast cancer (as I know I had absolutely no idea before I started this journey), and letting others know that they are not alone on this journey. (more…)

Medication Update

I spoke with my oncologist yesterday and we are taking a break from the hormone blocking pill, hopefully to get my body out of this depression.  I also started Effexor yesterday to help with the hot flashes, mood swings and depression.  Unfortunately it usually takes 2-3 weeks to fully get in my system and start working.  It also made me nauseous. Not sure why, but we’ll see if that continues…

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Still figuring out this little pill

I woke up this morning with my whole body hurting. It got a little bit better as I moved around the house and got ready for church.

I was feeling kind of down but just pushed through as I wanted to go to church as a family.

By the second worship song I was crying and wanted to lay down in bed and hide under the covers.

So I asked him to bring me home. I decided to take lorazepam to help with the depression today, so I can get through the day with my husband and kids home and hopefully not be an emotional mess the whole day.

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Goodbye Cloud of Depression

So…. I switched the medicine on Wednesday morning and when I woke up on Thursday morning it was if a cloud of depression was lifted off of my shoulders.

I had no idea that it would happen so fast, but I’m very thankful. Nothing changed in my life that would have made the depression go away, except the pill. That is crazy!

The last pill took about a week before I saw any side effects, so we will see what happens mid-week. But for today I am very thankful for no side effects! 🙂

Depression After Surgery

I was not prepared for Thursday afternoon.  I can’t pin point it to anything, but all of a sudden I went into this deep depression.  All I wanted to do was cry and curl up into a ball on my bed away from everyone.  Hoever, it’s uncomfortable to lay in that position and I had 2 very concerned family members in the house that didn’t think I should do that.  They wanted me to get out of the house.  I knew that I should, but I really, realy, really didn’t want to.  Like I said, I just wanted to be left alone to cry for a long time.

Nothing is horribly wrong.  Yes I have cancer, but it’s not something new.  I just had surgery a week ago and I’m feeling good, far better than I ever did on chemo.  And I don’t look as physically horrible as I thought I would after surgery.  I am sporting this lovely necklace right now… (more…)

What Else Can Be Cut Off, Fall Out or Fall Off?

What else can be cut off, fall out or fall off?????

Well, let’s see . . . my hair fell out and is now very, very short. Most of my eye lashes and eye brows are gone.  One of my large toe nails is about to fall off, just in time for spring/summer when I want to wear sandals.  And I’m about to have a prominent body part cut entirely off on Thursday.    Oh and my ovaries are going to be cut out as well – but at least those are not visible (although the sweat from the hot flashes probably will be)..  Anything else want to fall off or fall out? What if my ear falls off in a few months??????  You never know.

I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry.  Right now, typing all that, I’m laughing because it just sounds so absurd to me!  Yesterday in a store as I walked past a beautiful piece of lingerie, I cried.  What can I do?  I know who I am is not based on what I look like, but I’m one of those people who always goes out of the house with my hair done and makeup on.  I would be lying if I said all this was easy.

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Another Day

I haven’t written much lately, mostly because I’m afraid what I write will just come across as complaining.  I typed up my long list of complaints and frustrations and cried as I told my husband all of them.  He suggested I not post the list – lol – (which I was never planning on)  but it sure felt good to write it.

I know I’m struggling with depression.  There’s not much to look forward to, although I do see the end of chemo in sight and am very excited about that!  It’s not easy to get up every morning, not knowing how I’m going to feel and knowing that little things, like moving clothes from the washer to the dryer or untieing my shoes, will hurt.  I struggle to get past that.

I’m trying really hard to limit my time on Facebook (which is such a time waster for me) and instead trying to pick up a book, listen to music, read scripture, etc.

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Sometimes I Feel Like I’m on a Roller Coaster

It’s really different not knowing how you are going to feel from one day to the next.  Up and down, up and down . . . like a roller coaster.  When I wake up each morning, I lay there for a minute and see how I feel.  It’s funny to me that I wake up thinking that, but how I feel determines what I’ll be able to do that day.

Unfortunately, my emotions seems to be on a roller coaster as well.  One day I seem to be handling things fine.  The next day (like Thursday), I’m crying every few minutes at everything.

I seriously feel like I’m on a roller coaster and I need to figure out how to get off of it (at least emotionally).  I’m becoming weary, a word I don’t think I’ve ever used in my life up until this point.  It’s different than tired.  It’s this feeling of complete physical and emotional exhaustion with what seems like no end in sight. Maybe even for a time, a feeling of no hope.  I’m going to be on this journey for a while, so somehow I need to figure out how to not let my mood and emotions be based on how I feel (which is easier said than done).  I need to get my hope back.  I know where my hope needs to be and in Whom it needs to be, I’m just failing at keeping that at the forefront of my mind right now.  That’s not easy to admit, but if I’m being honest, that’s where I’m at tonight.

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