I was not prepared for Thursday afternoon. I can’t pin point it to anything, but all of a sudden I went into this deep depression. All I wanted to do was cry and curl up into a ball on my bed away from everyone. Hoever, it’s uncomfortable to lay in that position and I had 2 very concerned family members in the house that didn’t think I should do that. They wanted me to get out of the house. I knew that I should, but I really, realy, really didn’t want to. Like I said, I just wanted to be left alone to cry for a long time.
Nothing is horribly wrong. Yes I have cancer, but it’s not something new. I just had surgery a week ago and I’m feeling good, far better than I ever did on chemo. And I don’t look as physically horrible as I thought I would after surgery. I am sporting this lovely necklace right now…
Oh drain #1 how I loathe you!! But I’ll save the complaining about the drain for another post.
So back to Thursday night and feeling terribly depressed…I finally agreed to go out of the house with Tom and we left the kids with Mom. We walked around a park for a bit and then went to dinner at a new Thai place in town (which ended up being really good. ) We ended the night at a bakery and took a pie home to share with Mom and the girls. We played some games and spent time together as a family. Tom and I also talked about a few ideas of things to do the next day while the girls were in school, to make sure I wasn’t moping around the house. Looking back, it was a much better decision to go out than to just lay in bed crying. Although I think I might have been dragged out of the house if I hadn’t agreed. 🙂
While we were out, the surgeon called and we talked for a bit about it. She told me that my depression was not a surprise after everything I had gone through and will be going though. She said to get out of the house and do things I enjoy and eat what I want. Perfect! (My Mongolian Beef and Marionberry pie were delicious!) She said she would follow up with me the next day to see how I was doing.
I woke up the next morning still feeling down, still with nothing to pinpoint it to, and was glad to have a plan to get out of the house. After we got the girls on the bus, we headed up to Snoqualmie Falls and enjoyed walking around there. We ate lunch with a beautiful view of the Falls from the Salish Lodge. Maybe I should be depressed more often…a date with my husband,a wonderful morning out with my mother-in-law…just kidding. I did take a rest this afternoon (without tears) and am now sitting in bed by myself tonight. I’m still down and discouraged, but nothing like yesterday.
I was prepared for the pain after surgery. I was prepared for how my body would look different. I was prepared for the obnoxious drains I would have to deal with. But I wasn’t prepared for the depression. It totally caught me off guard! And while I’m doing OK tonight, I’m sure it will continue to come and go in the weeks and months to come and I go as treatment continues and as I process everything I’ve already been through.
Tomorrow is another day. One day at a time…