I was not prepared for Thursday afternoon. I can’t pin point it to anything, but all of a sudden I went into this deep depression. All I wanted to do was cry and curl up into a ball on my bed away from everyone. Hoever, it’s uncomfortable to lay in that position and I had 2 very concerned family members in the house that didn’t think I should do that. They wanted me to get out of the house. I knew that I should, but I really, realy, really didn’t want to. Like I said, I just wanted to be left alone to cry for a long time.
Nothing is horribly wrong. Yes I have cancer, but it’s not something new. I just had surgery a week ago and I’m feeling good, far better than I ever did on chemo. And I don’t look as physically horrible as I thought I would after surgery. I am sporting this lovely necklace right now…
Oh drain #1 how I loathe you!! But I’ll save the complaining about the drain for another post.
So back to Thursday night and feeling terribly depressed…I finally agreed to go out of the house with Tom and we left the kids with Mom. We walked around a park for a bit and then went to dinner at a new Thai place in town (which ended up being really good. ) We ended the night at a bakery and took a pie home to share with Mom and the girls. We played some games and spent time together as a family. Tom and I also talked about a few ideas of things to do the next day while the girls were in school, to make sure I wasn’t moping around the house. Looking back, it was a much better decision to go out than to just lay in bed crying. Although I think I might have been dragged out of the house if I hadn’t agreed. 🙂
While we were out, the surgeon called and we talked for a bit about it. She told me that my depression was not a surprise after everything I had gone through and will be going though. She said to get out of the house and do things I enjoy and eat what I want. Perfect! (My Mongolian Beef and Marionberry pie were delicious!) She said she would follow up with me the next day to see how I was doing.
I woke up the next morning still feeling down, still with nothing to pinpoint it to, and was glad to have a plan to get out of the house. After we got the girls on the bus, we headed up to Snoqualmie Falls and enjoyed walking around there. We ate lunch with a beautiful view of the Falls from the Salish Lodge. Maybe I should be depressed more often…a date with my husband,a wonderful morning out with my mother-in-law…just kidding. I did take a rest this afternoon (without tears) and am now sitting in bed by myself tonight. I’m still down and discouraged, but nothing like yesterday.
I was prepared for the pain after surgery. I was prepared for how my body would look different. I was prepared for the obnoxious drains I would have to deal with. But I wasn’t prepared for the depression. It totally caught me off guard! And while I’m doing OK tonight, I’m sure it will continue to come and go in the weeks and months to come and I go as treatment continues and as I process everything I’ve already been through.
Tomorrow is another day. One day at a time…
You are going through so much. It’s okay to have a down moment here and there. Having a support system who loves you and pushes you is just what you need. I hope you also feel the love from all who you are so generously sharing your life with here on the blog. Peace be yours is my prayer. xoxo
I am so sorry that you are dealing with depression. I love you and I am praying for you daily. I don’t have any wisdom or encouragement but I love you and it is okay to feel your feelings
Praying for you my friend! That is not an easy thing to work through… God won’t give you more than you can bear and his promises are true and will carry you through this too! Here’s the chorus from my mom’s song for you: (I’m sure you’ll smile and remember me trying to sing it for you 🙂 “Just today, just today, not one thought about tomorrow…trusting in Thy guidance and Thy grace, blessed freedom from all care and sorrow…” lots of love to you!
You have been “strong”for many months through diagnosis/chemo/surgery/multpile needles, prickings and prodings…all the while keeping us “posted”…letting us know what to expect should we be in the “same boat”…all the while encouraging your readers. You don’t need to apologize at all. There are emotional tentacles that squeeze your heart and mind…and sometimes you just need a good cry to release those pent-up emotions. You haven’t “lost hope”…you’re exhausted. Thankful that you have Sue & Tom to encourage you. Your friends from near and far are still praying for your healing, both physical and emotional!
Much of it may also have to do with both hormone fluctuations, coming off of pain meds, and (I think) a bigger reason is the number that the steroids you get for chemo do to you, and as you “come off” of them…your body is adjusting and healing and all that impacts your emotions. ♥ thanks for your willingness to share…praying, and reminding you that you’re in a race, not a sprint and you need to take care of yourself (and by that I mean…head out of the house when depression hits) ♥ Debbie
Jennifer, you are in my prayers today. You have been through so much since your diagnosis, and you have handled it with such grace and strength. Our God will bring you through this too. I love you, friend. Hang in there, Sarah
Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and our strength, an ever present help in times of trouble.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. (ALL of this) but thank you for keeping us updated especially so we know how to better pray for you. What a blessing to have your mother-in-law there to help you and that Tom is able to be home more too. Praying for all of you!
Jennifer, we will be praying that the Lord will lift your depression and that the drain will be able to be removed soon. What a blessing to have Tom’s mom with you and a loving and caring husband and family. The Lord is taking care of you in so many ways.
Love, Jan