I’m sorry you found my blog.
HA! What a funny thing to say on a blog!! But seriously, if you landed here, you either know me, or know someone that has cancer. That’s why I’m sorry!
Cancer.
I hate that word.
I remember sitting in the oncologist’s office in my early 20’s listening to the Dr. tell me that while it was not likely I would get Ocular Melanoma like my Mom, 3 out of 4 people would be diagnosed with some sort of cancer in their life. Since all of my Grandparents and my Mom have died of some type of cancer, I knew my day would come. I just never thought my diagnosis would be the day after my 41st birthday and as a mother of a 10, 7 and 6 year old.
Fast forward 4 years (October 2019) and the cancer has returned in other bones. So here we are, ready to fight again…and looking to be on some sort of treatment for the rest of my life.
This blog is my journey as I fight to leave cancer behind and move on in my life.
I should probably back up and introduce myself . . . my name is Jennifer. I’m a Christ follower, married to an amazing man (who happens to be a chef turned Co-CEO of a restaurant), have 3 beautiful daughters and I’ve been diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer which originally spread to my sternum, but has now spread to quite a few other bones and one of my lungs as well.
I know it can be confusing when you stumble upon a new blog, so let me help you get started.
- I have a blog to keep track of my thoughts and to let friends and family know what’s going on.
- You can get to know our family or read my personal testimony here.
- As I’ve been going through different procedures, I’ve written down what it was like. You can find a list of those over in the side bar (or down at the bottom if you are on a mobile device).
- Click here to receive an email when I publish new posts.
- And finally, if you noticed above that I’m married to a chef and think that must be the MOST AMAZING THING EVER, click here and browse through my blog about what it’s really like to be married to a chef. (I love blogging. Can you tell?)
Here’s what’s going on with me right now . . .
Happy Valentine’s Day
Happy Valentine’s Day from our family to yours.
I woke up feeling horrible and not being able to speak a word, but am happy to report that my throat seems to be getting a little better as the day goes on. No visit to Urgent Care for me! Woohoo! Going to the girls play last night was hard – sitting next my aunt and uncle and not being able to talk and catch up, not being able to talk to other parents . .. ugh! No fun!!) I’m trying not to talk much and let Tom take care of things with the girls.
Who needs to talk?
This week has been different with the girls at school late into the afternoon/evening. All 3 of them are in Pinnocchio, put on by the Missoula Children’s Theather. They auditioned on Monday, had practices all week after school, and have 2 performances today. It’s a crazy week, and they are VERY excited and have had so much fun. (And so far no major meltdowns, but I’m sure there is at least one to come as they must be totally exhausted!!) Our oldest came to the conclusion that you don’t need to have one of the biggest parts in a play to have fun, and that having less lines was actually more fun, because it wasn’t as stressful. As a mom, I’m very happy to hear this as she has such big dreams, hopes, ideas, projects, etc.
13 Rounds of Chemo Behind Me
Well, 13 rounds of chemo done and 3 more to go!!
The end is in sight and I’m so glad! Today went well. We were out of the infusion center by 11:45 and I was able to rest the rest of the day. The girls are in a play on Saturday at school and have practice after school all week, so I get a little extra time to rest in a quiet home,. (And we’ll have some pretty tired kids by the end of the week!)
Another Day
I haven’t written much lately, mostly because I’m afraid what I write will just come across as complaining. I typed up my long list of complaints and frustrations and cried as I told my husband all of them. He suggested I not post the list – lol – (which I was never planning on) but it sure felt good to write it.
I know I’m struggling with depression. There’s not much to look forward to, although I do see the end of chemo in sight and am very excited about that! It’s not easy to get up every morning, not knowing how I’m going to feel and knowing that little things, like moving clothes from the washer to the dryer or untieing my shoes, will hurt. I struggle to get past that.
I’m trying really hard to limit my time on Facebook (which is such a time waster for me) and instead trying to pick up a book, listen to music, read scripture, etc.
Encouragement and Community
The word community comes up a lot as I talk with others who are fighting cancer or going through other difficult times in their lives. It’s encouraging to hear from on-line and in-person friends about the community that supports them day in and day out. I’ve talked about it briefly before and shared about the book Just Show Up, that I loved (and cried all the way through). Every day I am thankful for my community (you) that “shows up” for us by praying, calling, texting, emailing, helping in our home, etc. I can’t imagine being on this journey without you. It would be so much harder than it already is.
After my very depressing blog post last week, I’ve gathered a few more resources for the times when I am really down and discouraged. I have verses (with cute flowers around them) ready to go and I have Pandora on multiple devices, ready with worship music, at the click of a button. This is how I’m going to fight this hopelessness I was feeling last week when it returns. And no more thinking I don’t need help when Tom’s gone. I had a back-up plan for this morning, which I didn’t need, dinner being brought by a friend tonight and friends coming to help with the girls after school. I am ready and Tom is not worrying about us while he’s working! My community is showing up and I’m so thankful for the help!
Sometimes I Feel Like I’m on a Roller Coaster
It’s really different not knowing how you are going to feel from one day to the next. Up and down, up and down . . . like a roller coaster. When I wake up each morning, I lay there for a minute and see how I feel. It’s funny to me that I wake up thinking that, but how I feel determines what I’ll be able to do that day.
Unfortunately, my emotions seems to be on a roller coaster as well. One day I seem to be handling things fine. The next day (like Thursday), I’m crying every few minutes at everything.
I seriously feel like I’m on a roller coaster and I need to figure out how to get off of it (at least emotionally). I’m becoming weary, a word I don’t think I’ve ever used in my life up until this point. It’s different than tired. It’s this feeling of complete physical and emotional exhaustion with what seems like no end in sight. Maybe even for a time, a feeling of no hope. I’m going to be on this journey for a while, so somehow I need to figure out how to not let my mood and emotions be based on how I feel (which is easier said than done). I need to get my hope back. I know where my hope needs to be and in Whom it needs to be, I’m just failing at keeping that at the forefront of my mind right now. That’s not easy to admit, but if I’m being honest, that’s where I’m at tonight.
Hard Days
The week started off good. I was able to manage the pain and help out quite a bit around the house. Tom needed to work a lot this past week because of a new menu tasting he had yesterday (which went really well). So I am thankful for those good days.
Even though the week started off good, Monday afternoon/evening and Tuesday were really hard. Monday night around 6:30, my body said, “Enough is enough,” and I had no choice but to lay down. I’m so thankful Tammy was here to help with the girls.
Tuesday was a hard day and girls did great afterschool, despite me laying down most of the time. Last night was one of those nights I probably should have had help around the house, since Tom had to work in Seattle ’til about 9. But we survived. I think I might have scared our oldest a bit because I was so tired and not feeling well. I even cried for a bit in bed. When Tom got home, she had a lot of questions for him about me.
Meet Jennifer
Breast Cancer Patient, Chef Wife and Mom
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