I’ve been doing really well, not letting fear getting the best of me the past few weeks. Tonight has been a little harder. It started off looking for a picture of one of the girls when tears began to fall. I’m not sure why pictures triggered my emotions, but they did. Then I spent about 20 minutes in our office with Tom on the piano and me calling out songs for him to play. More tears then. I love this man so much. Then listening to the kids play and Tom laugh. Next listening to Tom play the piano again and the kids sing. I’m just a ball of emotions. . . tears coming and going.
Not knowing what the future holds is so difficult. I know that I’ve really never known what the future holds, but waiting for this scan on Thursday and then the results the next day to see what the next months of our lives are going to look is really hard.
Yet in the midst of all the tears, I look to the weened. I think of Christ on the cross, taking the punishment for my sins. I think of God’s grace, which I do not deserve. I think of the resurrection and what it must have been like for his followers to see the empty tomb. More tears . . . Different, but still tears. It’s really overwhelming to think that he did all that for (us).
My brain is still in a major fog. I have a hard time remembering things. So many thoughts, memories and even a few fears are just floating around in my brain and I’m just having trouble processing it all. I was totally fine this afternoon (really Christy, I was). Then evening came.
As we approach the day of the scan (Thursday), will you please pray:
• That I will not have trouble with low blood sugar the morning of the test. I can’t eat for 12 hours before and was very sick last time.
• Peace as we wait for the scan and then for the results
• Peace with the outcome of the scan, whatever the news
If there is something specific I can pray for you or your family, please email me and let me know. When I’m in the tube for the scan I have to lay perfectly still and will be spending that time in prayer for whoever and whatever God brings to my mind. 🙂
One more thing . . . a friend asked how my peripheral neuropathy was. The pain in my feet is gone. 🙂 My fingers are uncomfortable, but there is no numbness or tingling. The pain is really in my fingernails. The last chemo drug totally destroyed them and they hurt.
It hurts to grab things (like wet laundry in the washing machine.) It’s hard to open ziplock bags and take wrappers off things. It’s almost impossible to take a credit card out of my wallet from the little pocket they sit in. It’s silly things like that, that remind me I have cancer. 🙁
My nails are very ugly to look at as they are starting to lift, so I’m keeping polish on them as it’s depressing to seem them so messed up.
But overall, I am happy – it looks like the neuropathy will not be permanent. I’m still taking meds for it, but will talk to the Dr. on Friday about that to see if we can start weaning off of it.
Jen
You are in our prayers. Our neighborhood continually hold you, Tom and the girls up.
God bless you.
Be well.
Lord Jesus, please embrace Jennifer with your peace and comfort tonight. Replace all her fears and anxiety with understanding, wisdom and peace in You. Lord, allow her to get rest these next couple nights and to have joy with her family. In your almighty name I pray~Amen
Donna Bjarno gets home tomorrow night from her vacation to Ca. They had a wonderful time. She has a lot of pictures to show you. Our prayers are with you Jennifer and hope you will get good news on Friday.
I loves your dark wig. You look so pretty in that color of hair.
Blessings, Carol Moser (Donna’s Mom)
Sweet Jennifer, I keep you and your family in prayer, now focusing on the long scan on Thursday and the results on Good Friday. Tears are good. Like rain they release a lot of things that have been “stuffed” for so long, allowing you to breath deeper and rest a while. God loves you so very much He gave His only Son to die for your sins and mine. I think of His love often, knowing I could never sacrifice my son for others sins. Never! Gods love is so precious and pure. Love and blessings, Nancy
You are okay to have these feelings. Process as you need to. Just know that you and your family are loved and being prayed for on a regular basis. Peace be with you over the next few days my friend. Proverbs 3:5-6
There is nothing wrong with tears. You are a wonderful person with a very loving family this will be such a great help. We will keep you in our prayers. We pray you also get the peace that you need. Thinking and praying for you everyday. Isaiah 41:10
Jennifer, we are praying specifically for the PET scan and results on Friday. Praying for peace for you and Tom and the girls. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want a meal sent to you through the caterer in Maple Valley…anything you need, please let me know.
Jennifer, After reading your blog, I went right to pray for you, the PET scan, and the results and will continue to pray. Rest in Him. He is your refuge and strength. I love this verse, You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Is. 26:3 Trust in the One who loves you with an everlasting love.
Jennifer look where you are it is very uncomfortable to not know whats ahead. yesterday i was in Dr Aroua,s office and I started crying he said to me have you seen frozen, I said yes he said I want you to sing the song let it go. He made me smile. I also told him that my memory was so bad and told him my husband said I should try Gingko He looked at me and said you remembered that. I realized I have to take it minute by minute, my count was up but my platelets are still a little low he said I had a lot of chemo and radiation so he is accepting it. I still cry a lot if fact it seems like all the time everything is personal to me. we love you so much you look beautiful try to enjoy and find peace in every peaceful moment. Cancer does horrible things to you. God will never leave you, stay strong and let it go.
I love you