I’ve been doing really well, not letting fear getting the best of me the past few weeks. Tonight has been a little harder. It started off looking for a picture of one of the girls when tears began to fall. I’m not sure why pictures triggered my emotions, but they did. Then I spent about 20 minutes in our office with Tom on the piano and me calling out songs for him to play. More tears then. I love this man so much. Then listening to the kids play and Tom laugh. Next listening to Tom play the piano again and the kids sing. I’m just a ball of emotions. . . tears coming and going.
Not knowing what the future holds is so difficult. I know that I’ve really never known what the future holds, but waiting for this scan on Thursday and then the results the next day to see what the next months of our lives are going to look is really hard.
Yet in the midst of all the tears, I look to the weened. I think of Christ on the cross, taking the punishment for my sins. I think of God’s grace, which I do not deserve. I think of the resurrection and what it must have been like for his followers to see the empty tomb. More tears . . . Different, but still tears. It’s really overwhelming to think that he did all that for (us).
My brain is still in a major fog. I have a hard time remembering things. So many thoughts, memories and even a few fears are just floating around in my brain and I’m just having trouble processing it all. I was totally fine this afternoon (really Christy, I was). Then evening came.
As we approach the day of the scan (Thursday), will you please pray:
• That I will not have trouble with low blood sugar the morning of the test. I can’t eat for 12 hours before and was very sick last time.
• Peace as we wait for the scan and then for the results
• Peace with the outcome of the scan, whatever the news
If there is something specific I can pray for you or your family, please email me and let me know. When I’m in the tube for the scan I have to lay perfectly still and will be spending that time in prayer for whoever and whatever God brings to my mind. 🙂
One more thing . . . a friend asked how my peripheral neuropathy was. The pain in my feet is gone. 🙂 My fingers are uncomfortable, but there is no numbness or tingling. The pain is really in my fingernails. The last chemo drug totally destroyed them and they hurt.
It hurts to grab things (like wet laundry in the washing machine.) It’s hard to open ziplock bags and take wrappers off things. It’s almost impossible to take a credit card out of my wallet from the little pocket they sit in. It’s silly things like that, that remind me I have cancer. 🙁
My nails are very ugly to look at as they are starting to lift, so I’m keeping polish on them as it’s depressing to seem them so messed up.
But overall, I am happy – it looks like the neuropathy will not be permanent. I’m still taking meds for it, but will talk to the Dr. on Friday about that to see if we can start weaning off of it.