I’m sorry if you were not able to access the website last time I posted. It’s been fixed and you can see the post here if you missed it.
This week doesn’t involve too many appointments. Monday, I will be at the infusion center for a while. Right at the end of my time there, Dr. Otsu is coming to meet me to adjust my pain pump again. Please pray for the timing on this, so that I won’t be waiting around for a long time. He’s supposed to come around the time I’m usually finishing up. I’m anxious about the timing, which is dumb, because I’m not in control of it and can’t do anything about it. It’s just another thing out of my control that makes me anxious. I also have a telehealth appointment on Thursday afternoon with my Palliative Care Nurse practitioner.
More on my anxiety…I’m going to finish this round of chemo, have my week off and then do one more round (2 weeks). Then we’ll do a scan and see if the chemo is working or not. I feel like I’m just waiting, taking meds, waiting, taking more meds…you get the picture. It’s not much to look forward to and not much of a life to live. I have this chemo/scan plan constantly in the back of my mind, whether I am thinking about it or not and I just feel a pit in my stomach all the time. Alrazopam helps, but you know how I hate taking meds for anxiety. I stop and give the thoughts to the Lord and ask Him to replace them with thoughts are holy and pure. It’s circular like that, all throughout the day. But somethings it’s not thoughts in my head, it’s just a feeling of sadness and helplessness and I can’t get past it right now.
I think I’m most anxious about the scan results. If the meds are working, then do I continue with this current life that I just spelled out above? Is this really living? If the chemo is not working, do I try another one? I don’t know that I have it in me to switch drugs again and see how my body reacts to a new one. So then do I just stop and live life the best I can for as long as the Lord allows, calling in Hospice to take over care? That’s a huge decision to make? How do I make that decision? I wish God would just send me an email or letter telling me know what to do, because I really have no idea and it’s overwhelming to think about it!
I’d love to plan something to look forward to, but since I get really out of breath just walking to the bathroom, what do I plan?
I have college friends coming up this way at the end of July. That’s something to look forward to. But it’s still quite a while away.
We’ve love to go to Whidbey Island for a day, but I don’t know if my body can handle it. I guess we could just try…but then comes the fear and anxiety of pain, severe pain, that I can’t get out of my head since my time in the hospital.
So here I sit, watching TV, reading a book, doing Soduku, napping and visiting with friends when I’m up to it. I have too much time to think which isn’t good.
In other news, today as I was sitting down to go to the bathroom I fell to the side and landed on the side of the tub. My shower chair was there and y back fell against that and it stopped me from going farther into the tub. I’m thankful for that. I wasn’t hurt, but it did scare me. And now when the nurse asks if I’ve fallen in the past week, I have to say yes…but at least it wasn’t all the way to the ground. I’m getting to the point of needing my cane, even in the house, and that’s hard for me to mentally handle. I’m becoming more and more unstable, which makes me feel so old!
Sorry for the depressing post today. I know that God is in control. I trust Him. But I’m struggling. Thanks for letting me “talk” about it. It helps to be able to write out what’s going on in my mind. I hope that it will one day help someone else who is going through something similar as well. Please feel free to share my blog with anyone you think it might help.
Jennifer, thank you for writing and sharing your struggles, fears, pain, doubts and difficulties. I admire you so much. You are brave and strong. A warrior. I know you probably don’t see yourself that way. You feel weak, unsteady, scared, confused. But still…. your warrior self shines through. I read every single one of your posts, often more than once. I imagine myself in your shoes and wonder if I would be as brave as you. I pray for you, Tom and the girls. I’m asking God to calm your anxiety and give you strength and respite from pain. You are loved by so many from a distance. Don’t forget that.
Never apologize for sharing your honest thoughts and feelings with us. We need to know so we can pray specifically for these things. We love you and are praying for wisdom for your decisions and for that next scan.
Every time I read one of your posts, I think of the song “He Giveth More Grace”. Your spirit/ attitude fleshes out the words to this precious song! (If you aren’t familiar with it, please Google the words…I can’t type them at the moment…) You, (and yours), are always in my prayers♡♡
Please know you can always share hard times. All of us are here to share your struggles and join you on this journey. We love you and your family!
Jennifer- I cannot even imagine all you are dealing with and decisions you are thinking about. It’s always easy to say to just trust that God takes care of everything- and He does as we know- but when you are going through it I’m sure it can be a true struggle. We will continue praying for you-especially the anxious thoughts .
You are so gifted in writing and to be willing to share your journey with your family, friends and those you may never know is a true blessing.
I know that there are and will be many who will be blessed by your sharing.
We are so very sorry for all you are dealing with but I will tell you that your testimony has made a huge impact on many.
Love you and praying ❤️❤️
Jennifer- I cannot even imagine all you are dealing with and decisions you are thinking about. It’s always easy to say to just trust that God takes care of everything- and He does as we know- but when you are going through it I’m sure it can be a true struggle. We will continue praying for you-especially the anxious thoughts .
You are so gifted in writing and to be willing to share your journey with your family, friends and those you may never know is a true blessing.
I know that there are and will be many who will be blessed by your sharing.
We are so very sorry for all you are dealing with but I will tell you that your testimony has made a huge impact on many.
Love you and praying ❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing for those of us that read it now and those that read it in the future. I continue to pray for you.
Thank you for sharing for those of us that read it now and those that read it in the future. I continue to pray for you.
Jennifer,
Never feel you need to apologize for being honest, and I do think it helps to get thoughts into words, whether spoken or written. It truly helps as I pray for you, to talk to the Lord about the specific things that weight heavy on you and to praise Him for the things you are thankful for. I think if I had known how my mother was feeling years ago while on her cancer journey, we could have talked through feelings, left unsaid… You are strong, and such a blessing to those of us following and praying for you. Love from PA. Wendy
Thank you for your honesty and brave sharing! I will pray specifically for those things dear friend! ❤
Every time I read one of your posts, I think of the song “He Giveth More Grace”. Your spirit/ attitude fleshes out the words to this precious song! (If you aren’t familiar with it, please Google the words…I can’t type them at the moment…) You, (and yours), are always in my prayers♡♡
Jennifer, my heart hurts for you but also I’m thankful for your honesty so that I can pray specifically, that God will relieve this underlying anxiety and give you peace for whatever lies ahead. Looking forward to seeing you later this summer my friend…