I’m sorry if you were not able to access the website last time I posted. It’s been fixed and you can see the post here if you missed it.

This week doesn’t involve too many appointments. Monday, I will be at the infusion center for a while. Right at the end of my time there, Dr. Otsu is coming to meet me to adjust my pain pump again. Please pray for the timing on this, so that I won’t be waiting around for a long time. He’s supposed to come around the time I’m usually finishing up. I’m anxious about the timing, which is dumb, because I’m not in control of it and can’t do anything about it. It’s just another thing out of my control that makes me anxious. I also have a telehealth appointment on Thursday afternoon with my Palliative Care Nurse practitioner.

More on my anxiety…I’m going to finish this round of chemo, have my week off and then do one more round (2 weeks). Then we’ll do a scan and see if the chemo is working or not. I feel like I’m just waiting, taking meds, waiting, taking more meds…you get the picture. It’s not much to look forward to and not much of a life to live. I have this chemo/scan plan constantly in the back of my mind, whether I am thinking about it or not and I just feel a pit in my stomach all the time. Alrazopam helps, but you know how I hate taking meds for anxiety. I stop and give the thoughts to the Lord and ask Him to replace them with thoughts are holy and pure. It’s circular like that, all throughout the day. But somethings it’s not thoughts in my head, it’s just a feeling of sadness and helplessness and I can’t get past it right now.

I think I’m most anxious about the scan results. If the meds are working, then do I continue with this current life that I just spelled out above? Is this really living? If the chemo is not working, do I try another one? I don’t know that I have it in me to switch drugs again and see how my body reacts to a new one. So then do I just stop and live life the best I can for as long as the Lord allows, calling in Hospice to take over care? That’s a huge decision to make? How do I make that decision? I wish God would just send me an email or letter telling me know what to do, because I really have no idea and it’s overwhelming to think about it!

I’d love to plan something to look forward to, but since I get really out of breath just walking to the bathroom, what do I plan?

I have college friends coming up this way at the end of July. That’s something to look forward to. But it’s still quite a while away.

We’ve love to go to Whidbey Island for a day, but I don’t know if my body can handle it. I guess we could just try…but then comes the fear and anxiety of pain, severe pain, that I can’t get out of my head since my time in the hospital.

So here I sit, watching TV, reading a book, doing Soduku, napping and visiting with friends when I’m up to it. I have too much time to think which isn’t good.

In other news, today as I was sitting down to go to the bathroom I fell to the side and landed on the side of the tub. My shower chair was there and y back fell against that and it stopped me from going farther into the tub. I’m thankful for that. I wasn’t hurt, but it did scare me. And now when the nurse asks if I’ve fallen in the past week, I have to say yes…but at least it wasn’t all the way to the ground. I’m getting to the point of needing my cane, even in the house, and that’s hard for me to mentally handle. I’m becoming more and more unstable, which makes me feel so old!

Sorry for the depressing post today. I know that God is in control. I trust Him. But I’m struggling. Thanks for letting me “talk” about it. It helps to be able to write out what’s going on in my mind. I hope that it will one day help someone else who is going through something similar as well. Please feel free to share my blog with anyone you think it might help.