I’ve asked myself this question many times since September when I found out I had cancer. When will it seem real? Yes, I’ve been diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer. I’ve had 3 rounds of chemo and lost my hair. My life looks nothing like it did in August. But yet it still didn’t seem real.
Until Sunday . . .
Sunday night as I laid in bed with our 11 year old sitting next to me and Tom standing beside the bed just holding my hand . . . it hit me. I am fighting cancer. Life is very different.
I think it’s a combination of things that make this disease seem real to me now.
A text on my phone from Christy asking what time to be at our home to help the next day had to be answered by, “Christy, this is Tom. . .” I was feeling too sick to respond and handed the phone to him.
I didn’t have the energy to put makeup on. (I know, not a big deal. But I ALWAYS put on makeup unless I’m going to workout.)
The peach fuzz on my head is slowly coming off. (Although I did get to shave the peach fuzz on my legs again this morning. I’m sure you’re excited to know that little bit of information.)
My body is not very happy with the chemo meds right now and it was a very hard weekend. New side effects like tingling in my hands and feet (peripheral neuropathy), and a gross taste in my mouth for a few days, make my mind start wandering about the future. Fighting that off is hard. (Phil 4:6-9 needs to be tattooed on my hand . . . oh wait, I don’t like tattoos. But if I did that would be a great idea.)
My Dad just arrived up here and I hadn’t seen him since I started chemo. I wanted him to see me how I was feeling last Monday while making cheesecake with friends, instead of yesterday, sitting on the sofa, watching my friend vacuum my house and wash our sheets.
I had to ask our 11 year old for grace as I was not able to help her get something off of a high shelf and she was frustrated. The conversation about why I wasn’t able to get up to help and her needing to understand that I wasn’t being lazy or unhelpful is a hard one for both of us.
So I guess this is really happening.
Tom commented this morning that he feels like what the Dr. described Chemo would look like is now what we are seeing: the first week is tough and then I slowly get some strength back the second week.
So I focus on today, a day in which I was able to be up early and go watch our 11 year old play in her first volleyball game. A day where I am feeling good enough to go with Tom to all 3 parent/teacher conferences. A day spent hanging out with my Dad, Tom and the girls. I might just be sitting on the sofa, but I’m not in bed. 🙂
Jen, You are so brave. God is doing something we know not what. Praying for you every day. XOXO
Mom in Hawaii!! I LOVE MY QUILT!! It’s so beautiful! (Sorry, haven’t gotten around to thank you notes yet! Hopefully one day soon!) Thanks for praying with us! 🙂
God bless you, Jennifer! I’m praying for you and your family every day. God will never leave you nor forsake you.
Thank you Barbara. Praying for you guys as well!!
I think it’s because (except for the wig), you look better than you feel, you have to explain that you can’t do things as you used to…but, remind them that it’s just for a “season” (Lord willing!) and that chemo is tougher on your body than your mind can grasp…so, you certainly can’t imagine someone else “getting it” without you stopping and telling them (and, even then, unless you’ve been through it, you really can’t understand it) ♥ Glad you can see the “better than yesterday/last week” perspective as that’s always helpful as you “upswing” into the next week 🙂 Praying for you all as you journey through this together…cancer ends up impacting others…like a “bitter root”…but, the good news is that joy, and hope, and love are more powerful than these, the results of sin. My prayer is that God would bring the well of joy up from among the chemo trauma you are enduring…that your hope in Him and His good work would override the “mood” that cancer and chemo treatments sometimes bring…and, when all else fails, that His love for you would remain strong within your heart; your faith would be purified, but you would say with the Psalmist (30:5b) “weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning”. Grateful we can fellowship in His sufferings together, as sisters…and, port sisters we also will remain 😉
Debbie
You are always so encouraging to me Debbie. Thank you!! It’s hard to stay positive when everything hurts and you feel like you can’t move because you’re so tired. I’m thankful that’s not all the time, but those days are so hard. I know you have them too!! Hugs to you today (and every day)! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving tomorrow!
Oh Jennifer, praying God’s blessing of comfort on you tonight.
Psalm 61:2 xoxo
And if you ever decide to get that tattoo, I’m your girl! I’m always happy to add to my ink collection, in fact, consider it my “you kicked cancer’s a$$” gift. (I know, I know, my language…but seriously, can you think of a better reason to get one?)
Haha!! I think I will be getting at least one tattoo to replace a certain part of the body part they are taking off – lol. That’s enough to write on the blog. More in a private message! Maybe that will be the time for you to fly up!! Hahaha!! I will keep you posted.
Can’t even begin to understand fully what you are going through…but we can all put our trust and faith in God’s sovereign plan even when we don’t understand. Oh the comfort and joy that can bring. Keeping you in my prayers throughout the day. Enjoy your time with your dad!
Thanks Tammy. We’re so glad he can be with us for a few weeks. Happy Thanksgiving to your family!
Thank you, looking forward to it. Wishing a joyful Thanksgiving to your family as well!
Sweet Jennifer,
I cannot even fathom to understand how or what you are going through. The one thing I do know is our Father is very capable and able to give you the energy, strength and fight to get through this!
We pray for you and your family daily. I’d love to come over and clean for you. Please let me know when’s a good time!
Hugs and prayers Amanda
One day at a time and yes, so thankful for God’s strength all the time, but especially when I feel like have none!! I might take you up on that cleaning offer for a few things that get overlooked by everyone but me. 🙂 We’ll talk soon!
Sweet Jennifer,
You don’t know me but I am following you and your beautiful family with love and prayer. “The Lord is a strong tower the righteous can run to and be safe.” Lean on His promises and let Him carry you through this valley. My heart is with you.
A quick question: Where is the widget to shop on Amazon? I shop there for many things and I’d like to help your blog but I can’t find the widget?
My love and blessings, Nancy
Oh thank you Nancy for praying with us! 🙂
The widget is just a search box at the bottom of the post, but you can use this link which might be easier – http://www.amazon.com/?tag=leavingcancerbehind-20
Thanks. 🙂
So sorry you are not feeling good now, prayers are continuing for all of you.
Thanks Karyn. Doing better now and looking forward to a relaxing Thanksgiving. 🙂
Oh dear Jennifer,
Your sharing prompts my praying. Only He can be your source of comfort & strength.
As He walks with you, may He mold & shape your lovely girls into young ladies fully devoted to Him!
May this Thanksgiving day be filled with precious moments & shouts of JOY!
Thanks Marilee. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family as well! :-)_
Jennifer, we are praying for you and the family every day! It’s been very special to experience your trust in God!
“Only in hope to God be quiet oh my soul, for from Him comes my help.”
Psalm 62:5 (Norwegian translation)
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your sweet family!
Thank you Stephen. Happy Thanksgiving to you as well! 🙂
Oh Jennifer! My heart goes out to you and my prayers increase for you. I know how at times it is hard not to let your mind fly to the future and to the ‘what ifs’. It was during those times that I would close my eyes and picture myself being held by the Loving Arms of Our Lord. I would imagine the healing going on and a wonderful, blessed peace would come over me. As I said before, Psalm 46.10 was my ‘go to’ verse…”Be Still…..” And then I would rest in His arms and feel His peace. This is my prayer for you. Our prayers continue along with our love❤️❤️
Thanks Patti. 🙂
I remember even after I was done chemo and radiation, I kept thinking, when am I going to feel better…..I feel the same as I did when I had cancer. When the days got tough, I looked to God and knew He was the rock I needed to lean on in very stormy days. Human help is always appreciated, but nothing brought peace and comfort like it did when I prayed to the Lord. There were days when my cat was more comfort than family. She never left my side!! I keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you continue your chemo. When your cancer seems more than real, may God comfort you, give you strength to sustain you in the storms. Just remember, Jennifer, He is the shelter in the stormy days, God bless you and your family. HUGS, Karen
Great reminders. Thanks Karen!
Jennifer,
I just caught up on the latest blogs I missed. So sorry for the hurdles you are facing. None of them are pleasant, but God feels we need them from time to time, so we stay focused and trusting in Him. We know that when things are hunky dory we don’t have the urge to always go to Him. (Can tell how old I am….hunky…) I am so glad Paul is there with you!! Women need their daddy at a time like this. Tell him I said hi and send my love. My dad died during my treatment. I wish I could have spent more time with him before, but I was nauseated 24/7 and always going in the hospital for stays. They discouraged me from visiting the nursing home because of all the germs I would be exposed to. Even at his funeral, they recommended wearing a mask, because people would be hugging and kissing me. I was feeling well enough to plan and print up a program for His funeral service. I think he would have been very pleased. It was just the way he wanted. Full of his favorite hymns and a gospel message from our Pastor, and testimonials from my brothers, Don and Noel. Enjoy your visit with your Dad and know I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!! HUGS!!
He’s on the train now and headed home, but it was nice to spend time with him. Now only if we could convince him to move up here when he retires . . .