I’ve gone back and forth about how much I want to write on the blog now that I’m not constantly going to the Dr. At first I thought I’d just post occasionally as appointments come and go, but as the days go on, I realize more and more that I’m fighting just as much now as ever. The fight is just more emotional than physical. I wasn’t ready for that.
Before this journey, I just thought when treatment was over, you were super excited, very relieved and that you celebrated and moved on with your life until the cancer came back (if it ever did).
I was wrong.
Even though I have been following a few blogs of ladies on this journey a little ahead of me and had heard their stores of active treatment ending, I still wasn’t ready for it.
I never knew ending treatment would be so hard. I’m struggling with depression, mood swings and loneliness. I never expected that.
Changing routine is always hard for me, so I guess I’m not really surprised it’s been a hard week. It’s very strange going from having people check in on you all the time to see how you are doing, to silence (well, not complete silence, but almost). You get a lot of attention from doctors, nurses, technicians, friends, etc. when you are going through active treatment and it all comes to a screeching halt when it ends. That’s hard emotionally. I just feel down all the time.
For a few times last week, I typed up my thoughts and didn’t post them. It felt great just to get my thoughts out, but by doing that and not posting, I’m not sharing my whole story and I’m afraid I’ll lead many to think what I did…life just goes back to a somewhat normal state as the Dr. appointments and treatments slow down.
So I’ll still be posting. Read them, don’t read them…it’s your call. But I need to write as part of my healing/grieving.
So, how am I feeling physically, you ask?
August 11 – It’s almost a week since the last day of radiation and it really doesn’t feel strange to not be going any more. My skin is healing really fast. The skin over my collar bone is done peeling and while it’s still dry, it’s not irritated any more. I’ve driven without the mepilex on it and the seatbelt hasn’t bothered it. The area under my breast is tender, but even that is pretty much done peeling.
The skin was pretty gross when it was peeling as the skin that was coming off was very, very dark. Last night the middle of the scar from my mastectomy turned bright red and was irritated. So this morning after the shower, I put some cream on that small area and put a piece of mepilex over it. It hasn’t bothered me today, but before bed tonight I’ll put a little more cream on and will sleep with the bandage over it.
I’m having shooting pains in my breast tonight and it’s really irritated. Hope that stops soon.
I sent a message to Dr. Leung yesterday asking if I could double up on the Vitamin B complex I’m taking as the neuropathy (numbness) in my feet and hands is around a bit more lately. I took 2 of them last night, one in the morning and one at night and then did the same today. For a lot of the day I noticed my right hand was a little numb and right now my feet are tingly. I’m not sure why the neuropathy seems to be worse right now.
My hot flashes are back – I think the one I’m having now is #5 today. I’m not sure why they are back, but it’s no fun!!
It’s been a hard week with the girls, especially our youngest. On top of all the post-treatment thoughts going on in my head, I’m emotionally drained from staying on top of discipline with her. I’m glad to have had Tom home the past few days at least, so I’m not on my own dealing with it. I know I’m an only child, but I really just don’t get the arguing and selfishness between the kids. We talk about it constantly and what the Bible says we are to do instead. I feel like I’m not getting through and it’s exhausting!
August 13 – Tonight we leave for 8 days of vacation. I’m nervous. I just want to get away and have a wonderful time as a family. I hope everyone (meaning the kids) settles in and goes with the flow.
My neuropathy has been back the last few days. This morning my feet and fingers/hands were tingly, even with the addition of an additional vitamin B complex. 🙁 I hope it doesn’t get worse. It’s a constant reminder of the cancer journey and it makes me so sad.
I think I’ve said it before, but I decided to keep my hair short instead of growing it out for now. If there’s a chance I might lose it again in the near future, I want to enjoy a cute style while I can and not have funky growing out hair. We’ll see how the next 6 months go and I might change my mind. But for now I’m happy with that decision.
I got my hair trimmed on Tuesday by Donna. She cleaned it up and it looked great. But after a few days, I decided I wanted it even shorter. So I got a second hair cut this morning and I went with the Anne Hathaway pixie cut I saw online while browsing for short hair styles. We all agree it looks much better than having it longer. 🙂
That’s probably enough blogging for a few days. If you are still reading, thank you. 🙂
I love pixie cuts! Had my first one as a small child and I have never had long hair since 🙂
Praying your vacation is relaxing, fun and full of laughter.
Keep blogging. I would be sad to not put anything into my special ‘Jennifer’s Journey’ folder ❤️…I have saved them all, friend
Pictures pictures! LOVE to see that new hair! Want you to know too that I’m praying for you. I too would have thought that “over” would be good….but can REALLY see what a letdown the change would be.
PRAYING PRAYING PRAYING
I want to see your cute hair too! And lots of photos of your awesome vacation! I am so sorry things have been hard! If it helps…my kids fight and are selfish so often and it is totally frustrating! Your youngest is always welcome to come hang out with me if she (and you) need a break! I can always use a helper or two or three. ☺️
Thank you for sharing so honestly. I almost didn’t read it because I thought she’s done, but I’m so glad I did so I can have the privilege of praying consistently for you through this difficult time. Chuck and I prayed together for you and will continue to be praying, please keep us posted.
Sorry, Jennifer. I’m sure it just takes to to adjust. I’ve never handled change real well either. I’ll be praying that life gets easier, and you will trust God for peace.
Your hormones are part of what the treatments have/continue to do for/to you ♥ You now have a new “normal”, and as difficult as that is to accept, the Lord intends to give you the grace to live it out. You are NOT “done” with treatments, either…your body now is adapting to whatever drugs were/are still in your system; your nerves are healing and sending out signals in an intense fashion = you need some time to regroup, regrow, reconnect, etc. and etc. but all in a “new” way. It’s still part of your journey…keep on communicating what’s going on ♥ it helps us to know how to pray…it helps us understand what this journey and season is like for you ♥ (and, I’m sorry – again – that things will never be the “same”…I’m guessing that you now have more time for that to register, and thus the emotional struggle). Only Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever…where you lack, emotionally, roll onto Him for His strength and grow in His grace ♥ and remember that no doctor or friend or family may check in with you on any given day, but He will have checked in on you to see how is sweet little lamb is doing ♥
Jennifer, I have thought about calling you many times the past couple of weeks.I know you are busy with getting healthy and taking care of the girls, since they are on summer vacation. We pray for you constantly along with Tom and the girls. Please relax and enjoy your vacation. We love you and pray you have a wonderful, relaxing vacation. Love, Aunt Carol
Jennifer – I am an “only” as well. When our kids were growing up and they argued and fought I didn’t understand it and thought they hated each other. At times maybe, but it turned out, that was normal stuff – who knew? They are all adults now and really good friends, so just hang in there. It will get better – REALLY! Have a wonderful vacation.
The previous posts summed up my own thoughts, do I’ll just “ditto” those.
The girls have tried to be so helpful throughout the family ordeal…now that you’re doing so much better, maybe they feel it’s safe to go back to acting like “kids”…arguing and fussing included. Hard to tolerate when you feel a little “frayed” around the edges, but perhaps a good sign for their health?…just a thought…
Praying for Gods peace always.
Have a wonderful vacation!
Your are beautiful. You have done great ! Keep up the smiling. Its so you. God bless you sweet Jennifer. Our prays are always with you.
Transitioning back to “normal” is very difficult, Jennifer. There’s no one to really guide you through it but other survivors can give you helpful information. You will experience a roller coaster of emotions and bouts of depression (I’m a little over 2 years out and I still do!) Remember you’ve been through a huge trauma in your life and you’ve experienced some post traumatic stress (just like the military folks do after battle). Some days will be worse than others. Give yourself the freedom to experience all of those days, the good, the bad, and the ugly. The medication will cause a LOT of mood swings and depression so you may need to talk to your doc. They can add a drug called Effexor that is supposed to really help (although I never took it.) There have been so many people in and out of your life over the past months and you’ve had a routine of going to doctors right and left. Now that things have calmed down, you don’t quite know what to do with yourself. The care and concern of others will begin to slow down and people figure out that you’re getting back to living your life, although they probably do still deeply care about you, they’ll be kind of leaving you alone more. That’s hard too. Remember you’re leaving patient mode and transitioning to survivor/thriver mode. Here are so helpful hints that have worked well for me and may help you as you shift gears:
1. Listen to your body! If you’re tired, rest. If you feel good, do what you feel like doing.
2. Set boundaries. Don’t feel like you have to be and do.
3. Learn to say no and feel good about saying it.
4. Set some long term goals. Look forward to the holidays. Maybe revamp your bucket list or create one if you’ve never had one.
5. Celebrate milestones in your life.
6. Rely more on loved ones for encouragement, assistance, and love. Let them see and know the areas you’re struggling with and allow them to meet your needs. Be honest and open with them. Don’t try to hide and don’t try to pretend you’re okay when you’re not.
7. Spend time in the Word daily. Let God minister to your heart! As you trust Him, He will give you wisdom and discernment. Remember He promised never to leave you or forsake you…and He said, You can do ALL things through Christ who gives you strength. That means even the little mundane things!
8. Do what you can to be healthy. Eat well, exercise, take vitamins. Get lots of sunshine…the Vitamin D is vital to survivors.
9. Stay in touch with your doctors and ask any question you have even if you think it’s silly.
10. Find out if there’s a local breast cancer wellness center in your area and take advantage of the programs they offer. Being around other survivors will help you transition.
Love and prayers continually, Bonnie
Bonnie, I loved the steps and ideas given for Jennifer and other cancer survivors.
Jennifer, we are praying that you, Tom and the girls are having a wonderful vacation, a much needed one. We love you and look forward to seeing you soon. Love Aunt Carol
Thank you Bonnie. These are great suggestions. 🙂