I haven’t updated in a while, because I keep putting it off. I keep hoping things will get better, but it’s very, very slow. I am able to eat now without lidocaine, although my taste buds are still messed up. Even my favorite milk chocolate Cadbury eggs don’t taste good, which makes me so sad. Coffee doesn’t taste good. Pretty much nothing tastes as it should. That makes it really hard to eat…which makes it really hard to get enough calories…which makes it hard to get my energy back. Ugh. I haven’t updated because I was concerned it would just come across as complaining, and I don’t want that. I’m struggling with contentment. I know the truth that my contentment is based on my relationship with the Lord and not my circumstances, but I’ll be honest, I’m really struggling with that right now.
Tom had to go out of town part of last week, so my mother-in-law flew up for the week. She was so helpful and it was so nice to spend time with her. Sage keeps coming out of her room and telling me that she misses Grandma. ❤️
Friday was the hardest day last week. My anxiety is really high right now. Being stuck at home, mostly in bed is hard. I was really discouraged. I was hungry, yet nothing tasted good. I was on and off in tears all day long. We just got news that schools up here are closing for 6 weeks. My husband was in phone meetings constantly as they’re trying to figure out how this virus will effect the the restaurants. Social media was reminding me of the unknown of the coronavirus and that I am considered high risk. Parents are posting all these big plans about how they’re going to do school with their kids these next six weeks and I was sitting here wondering how our home is going to run with all these big changes, feeling incredibly guilty that as a mom with a teaching degree, I’m not physically able to do that with my kids. Oh, and then there was the brain MRI at 1:30. I intentionally didn’t look anything up about it, so I went in not knowing what it would be like. I figured it couldn’t be a whole lot worse than having your head strapped down with a mask for radiation. I was right. Not a big deal at all and it came back clear. I am thankful for that! On top of all that going on, I was weaning off the really big narcotic medications that helped with pain in my throat from radiation. And even though I’m weaning off them correctly, anxiety is worse during that time. I have some anti-anxiety medicine that I had to take a few times, which I hate to do, but I just couldn’t function. My brain couldn’t process everything and I was a mess. I’m doing a little better today. ❤️
I’ve done a lot of praying, a lot of crying, a lot of talking, and a whole lot of laying in bed watching West Wing and princess movies. I took Facebook and Instagram off my phone. I won’t be on there for a while. Tom is keeping me posted on what I need to know about the virus and his work. I love being the person that he can talk to and tell everything. But unfortunately I can’t handle that right now and I feel bad.
So that’s where I’m at. It’s kind of depressing, but it’s my reality. I have no idea what the next couple months will look like…except that God is in control and we are pretty much stuck at home. I’m sure some school work will get done, but I’m not going to stress about it, and I’m going to try really hard to not compare what my kids are doing to what other kids are doing.
In other medical news, I’m supposed to start the chemo pill up again here next week. I’m scared about the side effects, especially mouth sores.
We are stocked up on food and everything we need. Thank you for the offers to help but we are all set right now. ❤️❤️ Thank you for continuing to pray for our family and for checking in on me, even if it takes me a while to respond. Love you all.