We have so much to be thankful for,  and I could make a big list for you. We’ve talked about them this week. Yet I’m sitting here worried and scared about this upcoming week.

Monday I have chemo again.

Tuesday I have a CT scan to see how this chemo is working.  Since my symptoms are getting worse,  I don’t expect to get good news from this scan.

Thursday, we meet with a new Dr. at the Seattle Care Care Alliance to talk about other treatment options.

Friday we have a tele-helth appointment with my oncologist to discuss the scan and what the Dr. at the SCCA recommended.  Then we should know the direction we’ll be going for treatment. I’m assuming something will be changing, but I could be wrong.

Sounds like a fun week, doesn’t it? How do I even get out of bed knowing all that is coming? It’s tough!

Yesterday I took a shower for the first time since I had my catheter put in. We wrapped it in Saran Wrap and taped it good. I tried my best to keep it out of the water, but I still got water inside the Saran Wrap. Fortunately, nothing got inside the tagaderm which is covering the drain itself. We will try again tomorrow. I want to drain fluid out again tomorrow and then I’ll take a shower after that. Or maybe I’ll do it the other way around.

When Tom came in to help me get ready for the shower I looked in the mirror and started crying. I have hardly any hair. I have very dark circles under my eyes and I look very unhealthy.  I had my glasses on.   I’m deformed on the top half of my body and I have a permanent tube coming out of me. My reflection reminded me of the few pictures we have of my mom the few weeks and months before she died. That scares me. I look horrible. It’s hard to look in the mirror. I know I could put my wig and makeup on,  but I just don’t have the energy.

I slept 14 hours last night and was still tired when I got up.  I feel like I am sleeping my life away.  I’m not sure if it’s the medicine or the cancer that is making me so tired.  But one of them definitely is!

Right now I’m sitting in my recliner listening to my kids and husband joke and have fun while Tom is making dinner. I love hearing that. I am thankful for that. 

We are going to play a game tonight and enjoy dessert that Ashley made. We’re all doing our own things a lot of the time, so we are trying to make sure to do something all together each day.  Some days that works better than others.

I will keep finding little things to be thankful for.  It’s hard, but I need to.

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