We have so much to be thankful for, and I could make a big list for you. We’ve talked about them this week. Yet I’m sitting here worried and scared about this upcoming week.
Monday I have chemo again.
Tuesday I have a CT scan to see how this chemo is working. Since my symptoms are getting worse, I don’t expect to get good news from this scan.
Thursday, we meet with a new Dr. at the Seattle Care Care Alliance to talk about other treatment options.
Friday we have a tele-helth appointment with my oncologist to discuss the scan and what the Dr. at the SCCA recommended. Then we should know the direction we’ll be going for treatment. I’m assuming something will be changing, but I could be wrong.
Sounds like a fun week, doesn’t it? How do I even get out of bed knowing all that is coming? It’s tough!
Yesterday I took a shower for the first time since I had my catheter put in. We wrapped it in Saran Wrap and taped it good. I tried my best to keep it out of the water, but I still got water inside the Saran Wrap. Fortunately, nothing got inside the tagaderm which is covering the drain itself. We will try again tomorrow. I want to drain fluid out again tomorrow and then I’ll take a shower after that. Or maybe I’ll do it the other way around.
When Tom came in to help me get ready for the shower I looked in the mirror and started crying. I have hardly any hair. I have very dark circles under my eyes and I look very unhealthy. I had my glasses on. I’m deformed on the top half of my body and I have a permanent tube coming out of me. My reflection reminded me of the few pictures we have of my mom the few weeks and months before she died. That scares me. I look horrible. It’s hard to look in the mirror. I know I could put my wig and makeup on, but I just don’t have the energy.
I slept 14 hours last night and was still tired when I got up. I feel like I am sleeping my life away. I’m not sure if it’s the medicine or the cancer that is making me so tired. But one of them definitely is!
Right now I’m sitting in my recliner listening to my kids and husband joke and have fun while Tom is making dinner. I love hearing that. I am thankful for that.
We are going to play a game tonight and enjoy dessert that Ashley made. We’re all doing our own things a lot of the time, so we are trying to make sure to do something all together each day. Some days that works better than others.
I will keep finding little things to be thankful for. It’s hard, but I need to.
You is kind, You is smart, You is important… to all of us. You is loved.
Please know that we are holding you in our hearts. Be gentle to yourself as you can. You are stronger than you know. Love you and praying for your week.
Shanna
Praying for you and your family Jennifer! We haven’t met, but I’ve been praying for you for at least a year. You are in my prayer journal and the Lord brings you to mind. Hugs from San Diego.
You are loved dear one !
Jennifer, I see only strength and beauty when thinking of you. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Gayle
I’m thankful for you and your fight and your trust in God and your being so open about what you are feeling. I can only keep praying for you and your family.
lots of love and many prayers for you as you face this challenging week! God is with you and I pray that you feel comfort from above for each of the appointments and events…
Beauty is within and your beauty shines beautifully. Our love and prayers are with you and prayers God will wrap His loving arms around you for comfort as you face this upcoming week. I love you Jennifer
I’m praying for a week that will give you peace and happiness. We are all so thankful that you’re here and very happy we will be together for Christmas. I know it’s so hard not to be discouraged but so many love you and even when the outside is hard for you, Remember you look beautiful as always on the outside. But more important you are so beautiful on the inside. Our love and prayers as always.
We’re praying daily for you and the family daily dear friend and we love you!
Praying for you and your family Jennifer!
Glad you are finding things to be thankful for. Yes I know what the medication is doing to you like it did for my wife. I want to assure you that you are beautiful. I would look at my wife and see how beautiful she was because of my great love for her. I could see the scars from many surgeries, including the a mastectomy, but our love for each other caused me to see the beauty. It is so hard to explain but I know you are beautiful. How does God see you? I continue to pray. This is hard for me to read and and then write but it is also good for me.
You’re beautiful, Jennifer. You’re a queen, I’ve always thought that about you, regal and graceful. I’ll be praying for you especially in these next few days. I pray you’ll feel God’s hands around you and that you have good appointments. Thankfulness is such a powerful weapon against anxiety, thank you so much for sharing your life with us in this blog.
Praying for the important conversations you’ll be having. Praying for strength and energy and thankful that you’re wanting to be thankful. Some times, friend, we are just too tired…our spirit groans with the words we don’t have. I remember one of my darkest spots…I could not think of one song to hum or sing or even recall the words…music has ALWAYS been my underlying current, and it just wasn’t there…felt like my spirit was completely buried…but, it wasn’t, and the Lord lifted me out of that place. Praying for His will to be done in and through you….and for your heart while He continues to work. He will bring you through this darkness…remember His promises to you…I will ask Him to whisper them to your weary heart. Thank you for posting for us so we know how you are. Love and prayers for you and your family!
Lifting you up in prayer and surrounding you with warmth. You are a light, my dear friend.
I love you, Laura
We are praying for you Jennifer everyday. Your are strong and a beautiful lady . Praying your week will be easier for you . God bless
❤️
Jen, the human side of you must express the deep emotions you’re facing. Even Jesus, during His time on earth, allowed himself to feel emotions like joy, sorrow and even anger. It’s so important, for those with cancer, to give your grief a place along your journey. The sadness will not last forever because you are His and He is yours. I pray His strength will undergird you on the hard days. Praying continually for all the needs you’ve shared. We love you so much. God be with you and may you feel His presence surrounding and comforting you. With love, Bonnie
Jennifer, I see only strength and beauty when thinking of you. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Gayle
Dear Jennifer, I am reminded of Psalm 139: 17-18 “How precious are Thy thoughts to me, oh God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them they would out number the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.
Our God cares for you, he created you and knows exactly how you look on the outside. More importantly, you are His child and He also knows how you look on the heart. You continue to model your love for the Lord amidst incredibly difficult health issues. I feel so privileged to pray for the details of your needs. I’m asking the Lord to help you see yourself as He sees you. I agree with Bob that those who love you will still see you as beautiful, scars and all because you are! May God’s immeasurable grace surround you in inexplainable ways as His spirit takes your groaning to the Father. Praying for good sleep tonight.
Much love to you!
Jennifer, Praying that our loving Lord will lavish His grace and peace on you this week and that by His strength you will get through it. Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Jan
Thinking of you, friend. Praying for you and Tom each and every day.