In the infusion center there is a bell that patients get to ring when they finish chemo. The nurses come out and clap and cheer for them. It’s a nice way to celebrate being done with treatment. The bell wasn’t here when I finished 5 years ago, so I never got to ring it. It wasn’t a big deal for me then.

But what about now?

When I am done with chemo, it will be because it is either no longer working and there is nothing else we can do medically, or I chose to stop it because I am too weary to continue.

It’s not a time I would want to ring a bell, nor do I think it would be offered.

As I sit here, a woman in my room is heading out to ring the bell. It brings tears to my eyes as I think about it.

I know it’s just a bell, just metal, just a sound. I’m happy for her. I really am. But it’s not easy to have stage iv cancer and hear the bell rung, knowing you will not get to ring it, because the cancer has spread too far to cure.

Chemo went well today. I was in a room with 2 other people, separated by curtains. Last week I ended up in a room by myself. It’s so different. Today I spent time texting and napping. I’m done now and feeling anxious. I’m not sure why, but I am. It’s probably worry about how my body will respond this week to the chemo.

It’s now after dinner and I definitely don’t feel as good as I did last Monday night. I am very wiped out, shaky and part of my body will randomly jerk in our spasm. It’s strange. I am curious how I will feel in the morning.