I was planning on waiting to share all this after we meet with the oncologists on Friday, but this is just too hard. We have been slowly telling people as needed, but I’ll be honest, I feel like we are falling apart. None of us know what to do. I apologize if you are reading this and I’m not telling you in person, but there were multiple spots on my spine, hips and possibly my sternum on my CT scan, meaning the cancer has returned. I’m reaching out for help as needed, but there’s not a lot any of us can do right now and it’s just hard.
Immediate prayer requests in case you don’t want to read the entire post – Bone scan tomorrow, meeting with radiation oncologist and oncologist on Friday and Biopsy next Thursday (which sounds HORRIBLE).
Here’s my blog that I’ve been keeping private for the past couple weeks as we continue to gather information.
Monday, September 23
The phone call came at 5:13pm. I was getting ready to leave to go pick up our middle daughter from play practice. I saw it was Valley Medical Oncology and was surprised that I would get a call back so soon.
I’ve gotten to know my oncologist pretty well over the past 4 years. I knew immediately from the sound in his voice that he had bad news. I knew immediately.
He asked if it was a good time to talk and I asked if he could wait a minute for me to get in the car and then I would be alone and could talk.
He explained that there were spots on the CT on my hips and on the vertebrate in my mid back. He said there is a fracture in one of the vertebrates in my mid back as well. Guess that explains the pain. š He said he will need to see a bone scan or we’ll need to do a biopsy to confirm that it’s cancer, but he’s 90% sure. While he’s only 90% sure, this is his profession. He’s seen a lot of these scans. He’s the head of the oncology department. The cancer has returned.
When I got off the phone, I called Tom. We had just enough time to talk before I got to the school and had to put a big smile on my face to greet our daughter who was super excited about her part in the school play. We decided to not say anything to the girls until we know more details and have a plan.
When I had a few minutes while the girls were occupied, I called our parents and also called my friend Linda, who is going to go with me to the apt. tomorrow since Tom is in Portland. Not sure if we made the right decision for him to stay and work, since we don’t know anything for sure yet. But if the cancer has definitely returned, he’ll be missing a lot of work.
It’s 9:38 and I need to try to go to bed. I wonder how many Tylenol PM’s I can take? Just kidding. I will only take 2. š
Lord, please help me to sleep this evening.
Tuesday, September 24
I slept pretty good last night. Our oldest doesn’t feel well this morning (the other two girls and Tom have all had some sort of stomach bug over the past week), but she is up and moving and I am praying that she will be ok enough to go to school.
I worked on my Bible Study this morning and then called Tom. He’s on his way home so he should make it in time to be at the Dr. appointment with us. I am very thankful for that. š
The appointment with the Dr. went well. So much information, but the jist of it is that my T8 is fractured and there are multiple spots on my spine and hips. I asked him what else it could be besides cancer and he said, “Wellā¦ā¦” Technically the spots could be areas where there was cancer and have now healed. However, when you compare my current scan with the scan from 2018, there were not spots. So that’s obviously not the case. š He said I will be on some sort of treatment the rest of my life. Fabulous. So while we are awaiting an MRI and Bone Scan to give us a better picture of what we are dealing with, they will also direct us in treatment.
Wednesday, September 25th
Tom stayed home today and we had a lot of time to talk. Lots of hard conversations, but we need to have them. He was really struggling by the end of the day, so while the girls were at AWANA and Youth Group and I was at Open House at the High School, he stayed home and rested. I hate that we have to go through this. I hate to see him hurting. I hate knowing that his mind is going constantly with so many unknowns right now. I hate all of this. Lord, give him strength to get through this and help him to feel Your presence. Help him to not feel alone.
Saturday, September 28th
We have enjoyed a quiet morning around the house. I had a little trouble sleeping as it’s not very comfortable to lay on my side right now, which is how I usually sleep.
Wednesday, October 2nd
I love my girls so much, but being a parent is hard. I am struggling with worrying about how I will be able to hand those hard times when I am sick. I am struggling to hold back tears this morning and have been listening to worship music and praying a lot. In the past 20 minutes I have received texts from people telling me they are praying for me this morning. Another friend also texted to ask if she could bring over enchiladas for dinner. Thank you Lord for friends and family who pray and encourage, even when they don’t know itās a particularly hard morning.
Thursday, October 3rd
Time is going by so slowly. I’m so emotionally drained. I don’t know how I can keep this up for another week! The MRI went well today.
Friday, October 4th
MRI results confirm what we saw in the CT and showed a possible other spot on my sternum. He said the bone scan will give us more details on this area.
Monday, October 7th
Yesterday I lost it. I was sitting in church, Tom was playing the piano on stage, and during the first song, I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I walked out to the car and just cried out to God. I told Him how angry I was at Him and asked why so many hard things had to happen all at the same time. (Pretty much every area of our life has something big going on right. Some is too personal to share online – I’m sure you understand.) I have never been angry with God and questioned why like that before, even during my initial diagnosis and treatment. I wrote down everything I was feeling. It felt good to get it out.
Tom couldn’t find me when he was done playing piano, so he sent me a text and came out to the car. I shared everything with himā¦so many tearsā¦did I do something to deserve this? Why does God think we can handle all this at once, even with His help? Am I being punished for something I did? Is this a result of something that someone else did? Is God allowing this so someone else can learn somethingā¦.because I just want to dieā¦.I know the end is Heaven and I don’t want to walk this road againā¦I just can’t. There was a lot more said, but you get the jist of it.
I know it was hard to hear as he just wants to fix it and have everything ok. But he can’t. No one can. I told him I can’t hide it anymoreā¦.that I knew we didn’t have all the answers, but if you’ve ever seen me act before, you know my acting skills are not very good. I can’t act like everything is OK when everything is falling apart. I just need the girls to know so I can move on. I need them to know so we can walk through this as a family. I need them to know so we can pray about it together.
During this meltdown, we also talked about what we could do to lighten my load right now and in the upcoming months. We decided to hire someone to come clean our house once a week, as deep cleaning hurts my back too much. We decided to hire someone to help one of our kids with homework and school work. And we decided to tell the girls during lunch. Ugh!
We sat down to eat lunch and started to talk about the week ahead and everything on the calendar. When we got to Thursday, we told them the Dr. was concerned about the results from the previous scans and that I was having another one on Thursday to clarify. They had a lot of questions, and now they know everything. The younger two were quiet and I got lots of “I love you’s” the rest of the day. Our oldest is really struggling, as we expected. Our girls are all so different and they will process this in different ways. But now they know.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This morning in my quiet time, I asked the Lord to forgive me for doubting and questioning him, to forgive me for being angry, and to forgive me for trying to do this on my own.
This is so hard, but I am thankful I am never alone.
Monday, October 7
I am so thankful for Shannon, a fellow PTA mom who has stepped up to help with our week of Missoula Children’s Theater this week that I am in charge of. Of course the biopsy office calls to schedule just a few minutes after all the kids arrive for auditions. Thank you Lord for having her there so I could deal with that. They called back multiple times to reschedule within 30 minutes. š I lost it (again) and am so thankful for two friends who happened to be together in one of their classrooms who hugged me and prayed with me and just let me cry. I pulled it back together and went back out to the auditions. I’m tired of telling people this news.
Wednesday, October 9
I’m being woken up at night by pain. I don’t like it. It doesn’t matter the position I’m in, even with our new fancy adjustable bed. š It hurts somewhere around my left lung/heart area. I have been taking Prilosec for about a week because we thought it might be heartburn. Talked with the Dr. yesterday and we are going to do a higher dose of it for a week and if nothing changes, just stop it. I will chat with the oncologist about that on Friday.
Overall, I’m just in more pain this past week. Not sure why. I’m still taking the same pain meds, but might have to adjust them a little. I hate this so much.
Our oldest is really struggling. It breaks my heart. I hate this so much.
On top of all the cancer stuff, this week I have been in charge of a week of Missoula Children’s Theater for Ashley’s elementary school. I am so thankful for all of the parents who have stepped up to take most of the load off of me, as I am not able to do it. It’s been an emotional week. It’s so hard.
Facebook memories keep showing pictures of posts from a year ago when I received news of a clean CT scan. I’m thankful for another year of life. But seeing those memories and ALL THE PINK is really like torture at this moment. I’ve said it before, but October is THE WORST MONTH to be going through breast cancer stuff. IT’S EVERYWHERE!!! And while I’m very thankful for the research, I hate to see it right now.
If you are still reading this, thanks. I’m sure it was horrible to read. It was horrible to write. š We are really struggling right now but will reach out for help as we can. Thanks for praying with us as I continue to get scans and tests and as we make a plan.
My heart breaks for you as I read this. Please know you and your family are in my prayers. Hugs to you sweet friend.
Love you and I am praying for you, Tom and the girls.
Jennifer.. much love and prayers to you. I think of you often and wish I were closer.. I hate that you are your family are going through this and wish there was something I could truly do to help. I am so grateful for your blog and for you taking the time, and having the strength to do this.
Jennifer, I cried along with you as I read this. So many emotions, so many unknowns,….so much. I can’t imagine how hard this is for each one of you. I am praying that God meets each one of you in the center of the hurt and ministers in a way only He can. I am praying especially for your oldest daughter, not sure why, but I am. I am thankful for the support you have at hand. Thank you for your transparency through all of this. Love from PA
We feel just horrible for all
you are going through again. . Jennifer our prayers for you , Tom and the girls are continuous and will keep going on .Thinking of you often . God Bless you sweet Jennifer ā¤ļø
Oh, my dear Jennifer! And Tom! And girls! We are so very sorry that you are going through this again, and that it is such a difficult time in so many ways. Our hearts are broken for you. You have every right to cry and be angry. God understands. Yet God is a God of Hope, and there will still be some evidence of that, I’m sure. Jim and I will be in constant prayer for you and all the family. I so wish there was something we could do in addition to prayer. We love you! <3 <3
Thank you for taking the time to share your heart and your specific needs. We will be asking God to give you extra grace for these exams and tests coming up… our hearts and prayers are with you all in this trying time. Love the Timmons family
Dearest Jennifer, so sorry to hear this news. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family. I am here for you if there is something I can do. Hugs & much love to all of you.
love and prayers Jennifer. we love you and are continuing ously praying for peace strength and encouragement and hope in our God who knows all our anxieties pain and hurt even before we ask. love you. I called your dad tonight to make sure he is ok too. love Aunt Carol
Oh Jennifer, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am praying for you and your family.
Your blog bought tears of heartache for you and your sweet family.
Not the results anyone wants to hear. I pray that our Lord will bring you strength, pain relief, and peace that passes all human
understanding. Jesus please carry Jennifer and her family through this very hard journey. Give wisdom to her Drs. for the best plan for her.
Jennifer. My heart is broken for your sweet family to go through this again. Iām so sorry for your physical and emotional pain. Your are loved by so many. I pray for rest and relief for you. I wish I could tangibly do something for you. If you think of anything just ask. Hugs to you and Tom.
Oh Jennifer, I was greatly saddened to read your blog. How I ache for you and your family. Praying for your whole family and that the doctors can get your pain under control–that you would be able to sleep. Praying for the doctors to come up with a new treatment plan that will kill this cancer for good.
My heart is so broken. My love and prayers are with you and your family. I pray that God will comfort your daughter and he will give you and Tom the strength you need to get through this.
God loves you Jennifer and knows the love and fear in your heart. He will be with you without fail.
I love you Jennifer, I am out here in Rochester not close to help but you have my love and prayers, and will continue to ask God to give you the strength you need to get through this and give the doctors the knowledge to get you through.
Thank you for sharing. Praying for you and your family! Praying for wisdom for the doctors and for the hearts of your sweet girls! Praying for indescribable peace that only comes from our Heavenly Father! Much love to you!
Jennifer. Tom. Molly. Ashley. Sage. Crying as I type. Praying Godās deep love and abundant peace over your names during a time you feel nothing but turmoil and pain. Count us among those who are here for whatever you need.
Jenae
Jennifer my heart is breaking for you and your family. I pray for you but sometimes don’t even know what to pray. Thank you for being so honest. I am so angry about the brokenness of this world and how you are suffering. May God show You His presence in the valley.
Jennifer you bared your heart and I feel like I’ve known you forever. I am so very sad and very sorry this is all happening to your family. Honestly have no idea what God has in mind about all this, and canāt pretend to have any answers either. I can only offer my prayers for you and your family.
Dear Jennifer,
My heart aches for you and your family. The more I learn about suffering (just listened to Elisabeth Elliotās book āSuffering is Never for Nothingā for the 2nd time), I am understanding better that much suffering is a mystery. There are things this side of heaven we just wonāt understand. And so many questions. God promises to be with you every step of the journey.
I will be praying for Godās grace to blanket all of you as you take one day at a time. Such difficult news for all of you. Much love to you Jennifer. ā¤ļø
Oh my, I am so sorry, Jennifer. I have rejoiced with you and your family all of this last year at the news of your healing. Now it is my turn to weep with you as you weep over the news of your regression. But even as we weep, I remain thankful that we do not weep as those who have no hope. Your very health for this past year is testimony to the fact that God may choose to heal you completely yet again. I so realized that the battle is great, but our Lord is so much greater! One thing I am sure of, just as your prayer warrior friends have not left you, neither has your merciful, all mighty God. I look forward to seeing the amazing works He is going to do in and through you. I’ll do my best to do my part, praying for you. Blessings upon you all from the Burgesses ā¤
Your blog had me in tears, but I can see how strong you are for sharing your story. Sending prayers for your daughters, husband, you and your rest of the family. Iām here if you just want to talk or if you need anything. Keep fighting and stay strong!! You got this!! ā¤ļø
Thank you for sharing your heart and your struggles. So many prayers are being sent up for you, including mine!
There are no words to describe how sorry that I am for you and Tom and your girls. But, I know that the Lord will continue to uphold you. Though you don’t want to face this journey again, I know that He will renew your heart. He will heal your broken heart, friend. And, He is ever faithful. Praying for you to find comfort – physically (so that you can rest), and for your soul (as the battle is fierce). I am so very sorry that you are in this trial and that it is fierce. Praying for Him to carry you through it every step.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and real. I am asking all the same questions for you and wanting so badly to have God reveal all the answers. The āwhysā of this life on earth are so hard to walk through. And yet we have a hope as an anchor for our soul! Praying for you all! Much love.
To my next door sweet friend. There are no words for this. Iām Just reading and crying. And reading again to make sure Iām reading right. And crying because I want something so different and I love you so much. You have handled this awful journey with such grace. I am filled with hope and trust that God will be holding you and your precious family in His hands. I am praying fervently and specifically. Know that you are so very, very loved. Sure wish I was next door. ā¤ļø
Jennifer- I cannot begin to understand all you and your family are going through right now but I do know that many will be lifting you )and family) up in prayer. Praying that you all feel His presence and that He fills you with the comfort and peace only He can provide. Love you and will be praying.
Also, thank you for being willing to share with others – it truly helps to know how we can pray specifically for each and every need.
Again, I am so sorry ā¤ļø
Oh Jennifer. Thank you for this blog. My heart goes out to you, Tom, and the girls. The Lord is your strength, you are a strong warrior for Him. Love and prayers to you and your family.
Oh Jennifer, my heart breaks for you, Tom, and the girls. I am praying for you all. I am so saddened by this!
Jennifer, my heart is hurting for you and your family. I can not even imagine all that you are going through. Please know that I will be praying for God to give you His tremendous love as you are dealing with this. I will definitely be praying for Tom and your girls for whatever their needs are each day.
Oh Jennifer! Please know that sssssssooooo many are praying for you….AND your family! I have no WORDS to describe…..just no words! Praying praying praying!
Youāre brave to pour out your heart in this blog and share it with us. It hurts to read what you are going through physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. For sure, we will be praying for you and your family during this very painful and trying time. May God bring forth healing, even if itās just temporarily off any pain, and give you the strength, wisdom, courage, and humble acceptance of His will, whatever it may be. It may not bring you much comfort at the moment, but when I feel beaten, āGod is controlā lifts up my spirit in some way.
Jennifer, I am in shock. As I read your post, I could feel your pain. There are no words I can share that will bring you comfort but please know that I am praying and I will continue. I think it’s okay to be angry at God. Like you, I felt that at one point during my journey and also had to ask forgiveness but as I shared my heart before the Lord, He assured my heart that He understands and that it was okay to feel what I was feeling. That’s one of the best things I can say, no matter what you feel, give yourself permission to feel it and know that God, in His sovereignty and love, understands. God bless you my sweet friend as you walk this path. Thank you for sharing your life with us and may you always know you’re not alone. With love and many prayers, Bonnie Annis
I love you so much…how fortunate we are to have so many friends around us, supporting and praying for us. I know God’s plan is perfect and we will get through this together.
ā¤ļøā¤ļø
And you are loved so much also, Tom. Don’t ever forget that! I love you and Jennifer. Love, Dad
Dearest Jennifer – I, like all of the others, am trying to see thru my tears as I am writing this. I feel so badly for you, Tom and the girls. This is NOT the news that any of us wanted to hear. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your heart so openly – it helps us know how to pray for you. May God’s incredible peace rest on you gently as you deal with this newest challenge and May His arms carry you when you are too faint to go on. We love you and are praying, praying. Hugs Ralph and Joyce.
Deuteronomy 33:27 “The Eternal God is your refuge and underneath are the Everlasting Arms”.
Tears, love and prayers for you.
Dearest Jennifer,
I put off reading your email because I didn’t want to know about the cancer returning. as if I could stop it from being true, but today, I have read your honest thoughts and feelings. It’s beyond horrible.
Your honesty before our Lord is safe and secure in His great love for you.
My prayers will be given for you and your family.
Iām praying for you, Jennifer. Iām so sorry youāre going through this absolute, unfair, awfulness! I have no words…just that youāre in my thoughts and prayers.
My heart is aching for you and your family. I know God loves you and understands your immediate reaction. We wouldnāt be real if we didnāt let Him know our true feelings. I have never stopped praying and will continue to do so. I am volunteering at my Jenniferās school and Colleen McCurdy Kaprelian works there also and I know they will gladly lift you in prayer. Sending our Love, Patti E.
Jennifer, I am so sorry. My heart aches for you,Tom and your girls. You will be in my prayers daily for strength, relief from pain, wisdom for the hard decisions and peace that passes all comprehension. Prayers also for Tom and the girls as well. Thank you for being so transparent. God understands and He will be with you all through it all. Love, Jan Vassil
We are heartbroken and our hearts ache for you and your family. We are so thankful you have your faith to help you through this. We continue to pray for total and complete healing. God bless you.
Dearest Jennifer, Your pain-filled post grabbed my heart. I’m so sorry you, Tom and your girls are having to deal with this. Wish I were there to hold you in your tears. I love the Lord and trust Him in all things, but I too wonder, when it seems like too much! There are so many of us that love and pray for you, even though we’ve never met. May God in His love and mercy, show your doctor’s a way to stop this pain. Give you a chance to catch your breath, as your put on His armor for the battle ahead. Our faith is stronger that the enemies attack. The Lord is a strong tower the righteous shall run to and be safe. He is our Father and He love you so very much!! My love and prayers forever.
Jennifer, We feel the pain and love in your heart. I cried knowing this is only a small clip of what you and your family are having to walk through. I too understand your questions, your anger and your just wanting it to be over as I’ve walked that road with our daughter. As hard as it was for me to read this, I can only imagine how hard it is for you and your family to have to be living this every day. We will be praying for you all daily. If there is anything you need, please don’t hesitate to call us. We would love to bless you and your family any way we can. The Lord goes before you, He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:8. The last part about fear and dismay is so hard to live when you are enduring so much. You have taught me so much about trusting God, leaning on Him & glorifying Him. All our questions will be answered when we see Him face to face.
We lift you up to the Lord knowing he hears our prayers and knows our hearts desires. Jesus is beside you all the way. I ask that He shower mercy, love and goodness on you and your family. We love you and your family!
hadn’t checked the blog in a couple months and Kaleb called just now to tell me he saw your post on FB. My heart breaks along with you, Tom and your girls. We have never stopped praying for you throughout this journey and won’t stop now. I too cried along with you as I read your update to Mark.
What to say that doesn’t sound cliche….? As your family and friends have already said, we love you and are praying and know that God has a plan. Like He gave you peace about stopping the medication, He will give you peace that surpasses all understanding like only He can.