Trials…that appears to be the theme of the day. From talking about it during counseling this morning, studying about it in my Bible Study on James mid morning and then this week’s AWANA section too! As I said Luke 22:41-42 over and over and over with Ashley to help her memorize it….Jesus asked God to remove the trial if He was willing, but only if it was His will.
Luke 22:41-42 “And He withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and He knelt down and began to pray, saying, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.”
That’s hard to say. I want the Lord’s will for my life and for my family.
This trial is big and isn’t going away. Not only is it not going away, it is getting harder. I have to look at it from a heavenly perspective or I can’t get out of bed. Why is that so much easier said than done?
Yesterday I had a few appointments at Valley. Linda went with me as Tom was in Portland for work. We started off at the radiation oncologist’s office. Tom and I decided to meet with him and see his thoughts….was radiation really necessary? The short answer – yes.
He showed me the scan of C2. In the scan the bone is almost all white. Then he showed me a healthy bone – very little white. Ugh. So I will be doing radiation for 10 days to C2 to hopefully kill the cancer in that one spot and help the pain. We hope that the new chemo pill will kill the cancer, but that will take more time IF it does work and we are concerned about my neck pain continuing to get worse.
The bad news – guess what’s on the front side of C2? The back of my throat. So remember those fun 2 weeks in November of the worst pain I have ever had and struggling to drink anything? Horray! I get to enjoy that again. The good news is that we are prepared for it this time. The bad news is that it is so horrible I can’t even think about it without crying.
After that fun Dr. appointment, we walked over to the oncologist’s office to get some blood drawn and I asked if Dr. Leung could squeeze me in right then. He did and I verified that I really needed to have it done. I do.
I know that at any time I can decline treatment. However, neck pain and not being able to turn my head will impact my ability to drive pretty quickly. Not being able to drive is a HUGE strain on our family. It’s a horrible decision to have to make.
While we were in the office, he briefly showed me the new scans beside the old one. That was pretty discouraging. We’ll look at them more closely on Tuesday when Tom is with me for the appointment. There were quite a few new spots all over and a few were quite a bit larger.
I’ve taken 2 half doses of the new chemo pill and will go up to the full dose Friday evening with dinner. Today I was tired and had a little nausea and a funny taste in my mouth. We’ll see what the next few days are like. The oncologist said it was fine to start the new chemo pill and do radiation at the same time, as the radiation side effects won’t kick in ’til it’s over and hopefully by then we’ll have figured out the chemo side effects.
Both doctors believe the swelling and pain in my hand and wrist are lymphoedema from having lymph nodes removed. I always assumed lymphoedema would start up at the top of my arm where there lymph nodes were removed. Nope. It starts down at the hand and moves up. Good to know. I’ll be making a physical therapy appointment to learn how to massage that and help it drain. It’s not too bad right now, so I’m going to hold off until I know when my radiation appointments will be before making that appointment.
Tomorrow, Thursday, at 11 am, I have some measurements done for radiation. Apparently this time I don’t get tattoos to help them line me up on the machine. Instead I get a mask that straps my head down to the table. That sounds pleasant. 🙂
In case you are wondering how Tom and I are doing, the answer is not well. If you ask me how I’m doing and I tell you I’m fine, just know that I’m not really fine. That’s just my way of saying I don’t want to talk about it. It is only by the grace of God that we are functioning right now. I feel like I am walking around (or sitting around) in a daze. This disease is consuming and I have no life outside of it right now. I hate that. I want to travel and escape from it all. Instead I’ll drive to radiation every day.
There’s a chance it will not always be like this, if the medicine works. If not, it will get worse. That’s a very hard reality to live with.
It’s really hard to keep fighting.
People tell me that I’m strong.
I’m not.
I just take one moment at a time. I talk to God a lot. I cry a lot.
In addition to fighting for my life, I have to be a mom. IT’S SO HARD TO BE A PARENT THROUGH ALL OF THIS. Yes, our kids are on their devices way too much. Yes, they are eating too much junk food. Yes some of them are not getting their homework done. Yes I’ve had to ask a child to stop talking because my brain was too full to process anything else. And yes I feel like a failure as a parent. I know I am not. I’m not beating myself up about it. I just don’t like it. I don’t have the energy or the strength to do anything else right now. So that’s where we are at. It might get better….or it might get worse.
In other news, Tom got dismissed from jury duty today because of my cancer. 🙂 Yay for some piece of good news this week.
Tom and I continue to have really hard talks about the future – not knowing if what we are discussing will need to happen in a few weeks, months or years. At the end of each discussion, I usually tell him how sorry I am for all of this, with tears in my eyes. I know I didn’t choose this and am not going through this on purpose. But what we are dealing with is because of me. It’s the truth, and I feel so bad about that. I don’t want to see him hurting because of me – even though it it out of my control. It feels horrible. Whether or not it’s the right thing to feel, I feel it.
Thanks for all of the comments on the blog. I’m sorry I don’t respond to each of them any more. Please know that I do read them and please don’t stop. Thank you for all the text messages and for understanding if I just respond with a heart. Thank you for praying for and loving our family through all of this. Thanks for not abandoning us. I’m sure it’s not easy as a friend or parent to call or text and always hear something negative or sad right now. I wish it wasn’t that way. Thanks for continuing to check in and thanks for not forgetting about us.
Think and pray for you & your family often!!
Oh Jennifer I love you, your honesty, your parenting and being a wife. Stay strong my love. I know it’s so disheartening, we all love you and need you. Prayers to you for everything. God will never leave you and neither will we.
Please continue to give yourself grace and remember that there is no “right way” to go through this. I’m sending you all my love and strength. ♥️
As a mother and wife my heart prays for you and your family. Keep trusting in your creator to provide for the needs of your family. You are all loved dearly and prayed for often.
Dear Jennifer, your road is such a hard one and I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I am thinking of you and praying for you and your beautiful family every day. I hope you will find some relief soon.
You are deeply loved. Praying for you. Grace and peace.
God is active in our lives. I am praying for you and your family. Praying that God’s will be done in all of your lives and in the lives you touch at the Dr.’s offices. I’m praying that He will do a mighty work, as only He can do. I’m praying that you will feel His presence, His comfort, His love and know He is for you.
Sweet Jennifer, I love you. I don’t know what words to say other than that. Thank you for sharing your heart. Say the word and I’ll come to help.
Sweet friend, thank you for being so transparent. It obviously sucks to write and is heart wrenching to read but gives us specifics to pray for. I am so proud of you for the strong and courageous mom, wife and friend you are!! You’re never alone, friend. Praying you feel God’s peace tonight & always.
Dear Jennifer,
You don’t even know me, but I’ve been following your journey for years. I started following you when I was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer, which I know can’t be compared to what you are going through. Your blog was so helpful esp about what all the tests, biopsies, and surgery would be like. Just wanted you to know two things: First, I’m praying for you, second, if it is any consolation I used to set the timer on the stove for 15 minutes and tell my daughter she wasn’t allowed to talk until the buzzer went off! I was perfectly healthy at the time, but she was a crazy chatterbox and since I’m an introvert, I occasionally needed relief! So please don’t beat yourself up on motherhood issues . Every mom has “those days”. I know you already know that, I’m just confirming!
Lol….love the timer idea. 🙂 Thanks Renee. 🙂
Dearest Jennifer,
We love you so much and hate it that we can’t be up there helping in any way we can. But we pray daily for you and your precious family, that God will be your strength and hope. We will not stop! Kisses to you all
I have no words to help, only prayer to the Lord, Who loves you and does everything according to His purpose. We don’t even understand His purpose some times, but He clearly says that He loves you and that He is Sovereign over all of this! Thank you for letting us know that you want us to reply and that you don’t want us to forget you. We cannot. You are in our heart and we know how to pray when you tell us what’s going on with you. I know that you are wanting to be a wife to your husband and mother to your children, and that this disease has impacted what you want to do with and for them; please don’t see it that way. You are still the wife and mother that God created you to be; as we reflect on His great design, and as we can see it through the pages of Scripture. As His Word began to minister to you today, I ask Him to continue, each and every day – whether it be time in the Word, or a song that comes to mind, or a verse, long ago meditated upon, the Holy Spirit will take you through every step. I challenge you to be willing; to not anticipate where He’s taking you…just be willing to follow. He will provide the strength and the courage and the peace. Remember, He took on suffering, though it was not due Him…faced it because He was sure of the reward – salvation for those of us in need. Your family will gain from your suffering – how? I don’t know. For how long? I wish the suffering were already over. I wish this had not come upon you, again, so soon after the last battle. I wish you were not completely exhausted. I pray all of this ends with this treatment – that it’s successful, quickly and radically…and I also pray for the Prince of Peace to still your mind, the Suffering One to take you through the gentlest way possible, and give you the most overflowing Grace that it’s undeniable that He is in Control! Please continue to tell us of the fight. Please know that we think of you, often, and pray in the moment…for you, Tom and the girls.
Jennifer, thank you for your honesty and transparency. Putting feelings to words is not always easy. When I pray for you,Tom and the girls, it helps somehow. I thank God that He is fully aware of every aspect of every struggle and the absolute weariness you must be feeling. My prayer is that He will provide for you in ways only He can, that He will send those moments of encouragement, relief, rest…whatever you need, when you need it. I can only try to imagine what all of this is like for you and please know that in the midst of it all, your faith still shines through. You are loved and you are held by the Almighty ONE. Wendy
So many great reminders. Thanks for encouraging me by pointing me toward the Lord. 🙂
Praying dear friend… praying for you, for the girls, for Tom, for the doctors to have the best wisdom they need to help you… thank you for sharing your heart so we know what to pray for. The Great Physician knows all the details better than we ever can and we have to keep trusting him in spite of it all. Love you so much! ❤
Thank you for sharing your feelings. You are the age of my oldest son and I think back at the prayer times we had at Wild Rose School. We were a prayer team. I hope you still see me as part of your prayer team. As part of that team I say, “I love you and your family.” My love is so weak compared to the love of Jesus. I wish I could hug you and tell you how much Jesus loves you. Sometime in the future we will all see Jesus and we will leave loved ones here. There is one thing that I know for sure and that is that the Holy Spirit, the comforter will come to them and comfort them in a way that we did not know was possible. I did not know comfort like that existed till I needed it the most.
My heart is breaking for you, Tom and the girls. Things sound unbearably hard, sad, uncertain, scary, frustrating and the biggest challenge anyone would ever want to deal with. Though easier said than done, believe that you are covered in prayer and that God will honor our prayers, your prayers. God understands your pain, fear and doubt. Why is He allowing more than you feel you can handle? Only God knows. As uncertain as your future may seem and as painful as it is for you, every day is a new day and you have new mercies from above. I picture God carrying you through the challenges of each day, hour by hour and providing you the strength to deal and the wisdom to help your family understand. Place your fears at the foot of the cross. TRUST JESUS TO BE YOUR ROCK! I wish my love for you and your family was enough to take this all away, but I will settle for my love and prayers giving you what you need to face tomorrow.
Jennifer, thanks for the honest update. i am continuously praying for you — that all your treatments are effective and working and will bring healing and relief from pain. and that the side effects will be very minimal. also praying that our Lord Jesus, who is our Shepherd and Emmanuel, will lead you and be with you always, and give you the grace that you need for each hard moment. also praying that His peace will fiercely guard your heart and your mind. ❤
Jennifer, I’m sorry to hear you’re going to have to go through more radiation and chemo. I wanted to mention something that might be helpful to you. When I was going through radiation and my throat got so raw and sore I could hardly swallow, the radiation oncologist ordered something called Larry’s solution for me. It was some sort of “cocktail” containing Benadryl, an antacid, etc. to help with the pain and soreness. It was the only thing that helped me. You might want to ask your doctor if that would be something that would help you as you go through this next round of radiation, especially since they’re focusing on C2. Thank you for sharing your specific needs so we know how to best pray for you. Love and many prayers, Bonnie Annis
The Dr. prescribed that concoction last time, but it didn’t help much. Thanks for the reminder though. I will ask for it again and give it another try. 🙂
Thank you sweet Jennifer for y’all ways keeping us in your updates. The Small family loves you so very much and are continually praying for you . God Bless you sweet Jennifer . Prayers , love, for you .
Hi Jennifer,
You are in my thoughts and prayers…..my friend
Lauren
Jennifer my friend,
Praying for a measure of hope for each day – and that this targeted therapy does it’s job and destroys this (insert Fbomb) cancer! Praying that God gives you new grace for yourself – to love your girls and Tom in the way that you are able and know that it is enough..praying for moments where Jesus feels near in this suffering…where you don’t feel alone. Driving to radiation is massively courageous and even though you don’t feel strong…shows a measure of faith and hope that is it’s own strength. Love you Jen!
Dearest Jennifer, Thank you for such an honest account from your heart. May His Grace be evident when you have to swallow and you know He is acquainted with all your anguish! May He give moments of rest that restore you in this race.
Much love
Marilee
Jennifer, I so appreciate your updates even though they must be difficult to write. As you lean on the Lord, know that you are loved and prayed for! And, by the way, you are a GREAT parent! I remember your youngest knowing all the answers to the Bible stories in the preschool SS class – and you are STILL (through illness and discomfort) helping her hide God’s word in her heart . You are a great example to many.
Jennifer, my heart goes out to you as you go through this incredibly difficult time. I am so thankful that you know and love the Lord and that he holds you in His hand. As I read the other responses, I know there is nothing I could possibly add to what they have said. I love you and Tom and pray that the Lord will carry you and your family through whatever lies ahead.
Sweet Jennifer, Your transparency helps you bring others into your heart, sharing your pain and sorrow, disappointment and reality, like when we give our trials to Jesus, it helps lighten our load. Your faith is strong, even though your body is weak. That is major good. Trusting God in everything. Yes, you have to walk the walk, but He is right by your side whispering His love for you. The Holy Spirit fills us with His power we seldom ask for. Seek and believe. Praise Him for the sunshine out your window, for the smiles on your beautiful daughters faces, for the love and weariness in Tom’s eyes as he tries to make it easier for you. You are blessed with so many who love you and your family. If only we could do more to strengthen and heal your body, you know we would. Till then we continue to love you and pray for you, trusting God and His plan for each of us. My eternal love, Nancy
Jennifer,
Thank you for sharing your heart so well so we really know how to pray, we are daily. We are asking our Father to be your strength, peace and courage and to uphold Tom and the girls. In Christ’s love, Chuck and Bobbie
Jennifer,
I am so sorry for everything you are going through right now. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are going through a lot. The wonderful thing about God is that He is your strength when you are weak. Lean on Him. Rest in Him. Trust in Him. Give it all to the One who made the universe and holds it in the palm of His hand. He is the Good Shepherd who cares for His sheep. Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart rejoices in Him, Because we trust in His holy name, Let Your lovingkindness O Lord, be upon us, According as we have hoped in You. Psalm 33:20-22.
Love & Prayers, Jan
I will keep on praying!!! I care