This is a note to myself in case I ever have the thought again to try taking an aromatase inhibitor.
Don’t. Just don’t.
Remember the constant pain, making it hard to take care of your home and your family. Remember how that pain made any other pain 10 times worse. Remember the horrible quality of life and that it is not worth it.
Okay enough of that…here’s what’s been going on.
Ultimately I’ve been fighting for the past three years to get my body to accept these hormone-blocking pills, so that if and when the cancer returns, I can say I tried everything possible to take them. I don’t want to be thinking, “If only I had….”
Since the last time I wrote, I tried a few more infusions with my nautropath. I’ve continued to try to put on muscle at the gym with the help of an exercise specialist. I’ve been taking all the supplements the naturopath recommended and I tried CBD oil for the pain. Even Tramadol does not totally take the pain away any more. And with all that effort, I still have severe bone pain.
I’m done. I’m done with pain from a teeny tiny pill. It’s consuming my life and I am done.
So now I wait…wait for the medicine to completely get out of my system. Last time it took six weeks. It’s been almost 3 weeks and the pain is still there, although it is slowly getting better. Last time it was like a light switch just flipped the pain off and all of a sudden it was gone. We’ll see what this time holds.
So that’s what’s been going on with me physically.
Here’s what’s been going on in my brain.
I really wish I could take this pill without the severe bone pain side effect. The doctors have told me that it works and does it’s job well. Research has shown that it does block estrogen, which is what my type of cancer feeds off of.
When I think about not taking the pill, my brain instantly starts thinking it’s a death sentence. The stage IV label of my disease, and the fact that it is terminal, and not curable, haunts my mind.
These are the thoughts that I am constantly fighting off and replacing with truth from the Bible. I wish I could tell you that those thoughts have never entered my mind, but they have.
The couple times I’ve stopped the pill before, I’ve never felt at peace about stopping it permanently.
I finally do.
That peace can only be from the Lord.
It’s taken a lot of prayer, godly wisdom from my husband and a few close friends, and ultimately God working on my heart, to truly be at peace and fully accept that I only wake up everyday because of God, not because of a little white pill I take every day.
I never doubted that my life was in His hands, but gosh it’s a lot harder to live that belief out when you have a stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis.
A few Sundays ago in church during the sermon, I was almost in tears as I was in so much pain. And you know what the sermon was on (or at least the main thing I got out of the sermon)? I need to be asking the Lord to refine me in the midst of this trial instead of just asking Him to remove the trial. I need to make sure that I am handling the trial in a godly way, no matter how hard it is.
It sure is a whole lot easier for me to ask Him to just take away the pain. However since my life is not about me, but about glorifying the Lord, that can’t be all I ask for. What if it would bring Him more glory if I was in pain? That’s a pretty hard thing to think about and an even harder thing to accept.
Yes, I still ask Him to take the pain away if it is His will. But now I also ask what He would have for me to learn and that He would be glorified while I am in this pain.
My husband and children see me at my worst. I try to hide it and push through, but they know that I’m in pain. I’ve had to say no to some fun things this summer, because I just physically couldn’t do it. That’s hard. I pray that the Lord will give me the strength and the patience to parent, in the midst of the pain. I want to be a good example of everything I’ve stated above for my children and husband, but I know that I often fail. I can only do so with the Lord’s help.
If you are still reading, thanks. I meet with the oncologist the third week of September and we’ll see where I go from here. (And at this time, I am not looking for advice on alternative ways to fight cancer or block the estrogen in my body. Thanks for understanding.)