I have said a few times I would write a post about what’s been going on in my mind. Those are the hardest posts to write because I feel so vulnerable as I share what I’m dealing with. I don’t want people to judge me or think badly of me. However, when I started this blog, I said I would be open and transparent about this journey, so I can’t leave out one of my biggest struggles.

I hope and pray that by being honest and sharing what I am struggling with, it will in some way encourage someone else and help them know they are not alone. I also know that not everyone who reads this blog believes what I do about God. Even if you don’t believe in God at all, will you consider reading the rest of this post? It would mean a lot to me.

So here I go. This is a hard one to write…

I have a lot of time to think. A LOT! That’s not always a good thing, as my thoughts tend to make me anxious as I think of the future and the uncertainties that lie ahead. I spend a lot of time in the Word and in prayer because I am so anxious.

Last month, I came across a blog post that put into words exactly what I was feeling. So I’m going to send you there to read it, and then ask that you come back and keep reading my post. It’s a post by Tim Challies and is entitled, “I Fear God, and I’m Afraid of God.”

Welcome back.

That post left me in tears. It was so nice to know I was not the only one feeling this way. I don’t usually send emails in response to posts, but I did to this one…

Thank you for this post about fearing God. I have stage IV breast cancer that has not been responding to treatment very well over the past year. Adding the craziness and loneliness of COVID, difficulties for my husband in his job as he runs a restaurant group during COVID, and raising 2 teenagers and 1 tween in the midst of all of this, I find myself asking and being afraid of what else God has planned for our family and what else He might call us to do.

I have no doubt that this is all part of God’s plan for our lives. I trust Him completely. I pray for healing, if it’s His will. If it’s not His will, I pray for His help as I handle it. I pray for wisdom as we make decisions, hard decisions, and as we have conversations I never dreamed we would have, at least not in our 40’s. Life is hard, so hard, harder than I could have ever imagined….yet I fear it could get even harder and that scares me. I look forward to being in heaven, but the path leading to it right now is scary and painful.

Lately, I find myself praying more and more for peace….peace that I will be able to handle, with His help, whatever He allows….peace so I will not worry about the future and what the next phone call or notification from the Dr. will be…..peace that my husband will remain healthy so he can take care of us all. (My biggest fear has always been losing my husband.)

Thank you for putting into words what I have been thinking but have been unable to totally pinpoint and say.

I am also struggling with taking medicine for my anxiety. The anxiety is situational. It comes and goes based on what’s going on at the moment. I should be able to get through it with the Lord’s help, right? A lot of times I can and I have peace and am able to calm down. But lately, I’m struggling with the times I’ve done all I feel I can and yet still need to take a pill to help calm down.

Am I doing something wrong?

Am I not spending enough time in prayer?

Am I rushing to take a pill instead of allowing God to work in my heart?

Why am I struggling with taking a pill all of a sudden when I have not struggled in the past?

I am very thankful for modern medicine and how it is helping prolong my life and keep me as comfortable as possible. But I don’t want to take a pill to mask a problem I should be handling another way. Is it possible I just need the extra help sometimes?

How much is too much?

Am I over thinking this?

I’m not asking for answers, just being open and honest. This is what is going through my mind constantly right now.

Why has my healthy fear of God turned into being afraid of Him sometimes? I don’t know. But what I do know, is that I will continue to trust the Lord, spend time in His Word and in prayer and never give up trying to put off my anxiety and put on peace.

God forgive me for not totally trusting you. Please help me to remember at all times that I will be OK no matter what happens because You are with me and You are all I need!