I have said a few times I would write a post about what’s been going on in my mind. Those are the hardest posts to write because I feel so vulnerable as I share what I’m dealing with. I don’t want people to judge me or think badly of me. However, when I started this blog, I said I would be open and transparent about this journey, so I can’t leave out one of my biggest struggles.
I hope and pray that by being honest and sharing what I am struggling with, it will in some way encourage someone else and help them know they are not alone. I also know that not everyone who reads this blog believes what I do about God. Even if you don’t believe in God at all, will you consider reading the rest of this post? It would mean a lot to me.
So here I go. This is a hard one to write…
I have a lot of time to think. A LOT! That’s not always a good thing, as my thoughts tend to make me anxious as I think of the future and the uncertainties that lie ahead. I spend a lot of time in the Word and in prayer because I am so anxious.
Last month, I came across a blog post that put into words exactly what I was feeling. So I’m going to send you there to read it, and then ask that you come back and keep reading my post. It’s a post by Tim Challies and is entitled, “I Fear God, and I’m Afraid of God.”
Welcome back.
That post left me in tears. It was so nice to know I was not the only one feeling this way. I don’t usually send emails in response to posts, but I did to this one…
Thank you for this post about fearing God. I have stage IV breast cancer that has not been responding to treatment very well over the past year. Adding the craziness and loneliness of COVID, difficulties for my husband in his job as he runs a restaurant group during COVID, and raising 2 teenagers and 1 tween in the midst of all of this, I find myself asking and being afraid of what else God has planned for our family and what else He might call us to do.
I have no doubt that this is all part of God’s plan for our lives. I trust Him completely. I pray for healing, if it’s His will. If it’s not His will, I pray for His help as I handle it. I pray for wisdom as we make decisions, hard decisions, and as we have conversations I never dreamed we would have, at least not in our 40’s. Life is hard, so hard, harder than I could have ever imagined….yet I fear it could get even harder and that scares me. I look forward to being in heaven, but the path leading to it right now is scary and painful.
Lately, I find myself praying more and more for peace….peace that I will be able to handle, with His help, whatever He allows….peace so I will not worry about the future and what the next phone call or notification from the Dr. will be…..peace that my husband will remain healthy so he can take care of us all. (My biggest fear has always been losing my husband.)
Thank you for putting into words what I have been thinking but have been unable to totally pinpoint and say.
I am also struggling with taking medicine for my anxiety. The anxiety is situational. It comes and goes based on what’s going on at the moment. I should be able to get through it with the Lord’s help, right? A lot of times I can and I have peace and am able to calm down. But lately, I’m struggling with the times I’ve done all I feel I can and yet still need to take a pill to help calm down.
Am I doing something wrong?
Am I not spending enough time in prayer?
Am I rushing to take a pill instead of allowing God to work in my heart?
Why am I struggling with taking a pill all of a sudden when I have not struggled in the past?
I am very thankful for modern medicine and how it is helping prolong my life and keep me as comfortable as possible. But I don’t want to take a pill to mask a problem I should be handling another way. Is it possible I just need the extra help sometimes?
How much is too much?
Am I over thinking this?
I’m not asking for answers, just being open and honest. This is what is going through my mind constantly right now.
Why has my healthy fear of God turned into being afraid of Him sometimes? I don’t know. But what I do know, is that I will continue to trust the Lord, spend time in His Word and in prayer and never give up trying to put off my anxiety and put on peace.
God forgive me for not totally trusting you. Please help me to remember at all times that I will be OK no matter what happens because You are with me and You are all I need!
Thank you for sharing your heart and the article. I will continue to pray for peace for you all!
Praying for and with you in this journey. So thankful and grateful you have Jesus!
Jennifer- thank you for explaining how you are feeling and what you are going through. This has to be so hard – it’s good to know how to pray more specifically for you right now. Thank you for being so willing to share this
Love you ❤️
Denise
Thank you so much for sharing all this. You are a blessing, you have given my so much to think about. Yes, I fear God, I am afraid of God, and yes I Love God and I know He loves me, “but the greatest of these is Love.” I continue to pray for you and your family.
A beautiful post. Well written, deeply moving and heartfelt. Thank you for opening your soul and allowing our God to be seen through your words and your life. I love you!!!
, oh Jennifer… your words expressing your thoughts… are deeply felt. I thank God for your life and your devotion to Him through the refining fire.
“ I’m in awe of his ability and his willingness to work his will. But I’m also intimidated by it, afraid of what it might take from me.”
Both thoughts/feelings are true.
May the One who holds your life comfort your soul today and flood you with His peace that passes all understanding!
Thanks for being so honest. My brother was killed at age 16 and I was 15 and I suffered that same fear for years. I didn’t know God then so I was just afraid of dying. RC Sproul once said he was not afraid of dying just about how he would die. Me too! I am with you on admitting our fears but still loving and trusting God. Praying for peace in your heart.
Thank you Jennifer for being real, honest and transparent and for sharing the blog. It was very enlightening. Our prayers for you and your family continue and your faith on this journey has been remarkably inspiring. God bless you dear sister.
Love,
Jan
Dear Jennifer, it’s hard to share when your trial is so difficult but it’s so necessary for those who love you to be on board and pray specifically, It also helps us as we go through things that bring thoughts we think are not what they should be. You are a greatly loved sister in Christ and we are honored to pray daily for you.
You all continue to be in our prayers as you walk through this time. I’m grateful that even in the midst of difficulty your thoughts are so God-ward. With love, Priscilla
As you undergo treatment it creates havoc with the rest of your body. Your anxiety might very well be based on hormonal imbalances created by the storm of chemo medications and stress. Is He able to reach through that to bring peace? He is and He also gives things to calm us by balancing out our hormones or giving us nutrients just as He can use chemotherapy to counteract the cancer. I hope a different perspective on taking things for anxiety helps you to feel confident in taking them. You are not normally an anxious person and I believe that your continued fight has resulted in your weakness being manifested in this way. I would encourage you to continue to rely on His grace during this season and His joy to be your strength. I guess my answer is I think you are over thinking it. Not sure you wanted an answer but thought I’d share that. I also think like everyone else who posted that it took great courage to share this vulnerability with us. You are sharing in His sufferings friend, because disease is part of the fall. While I wish you didn’t have to go through any of this, I know that He intends it for your good and His glory and for this reason I am glad that you are His. Please remember that He will never give you more than He has suffered and never more than His grace will also attend. Praying for you and Tom and the girls.
Thank you for being honest. I get anxious before scans and doctor’s appointments. Sometimes God gives peace. Thank you for the verses that were shared in an earlier post.
Maranatha!