The last few days have been really hard. Even though I’m sleeping a full night and sleeping well, I wake up and I’m still so tired. Yesterday I took three naps and really was not out of bed much. Today I was so weak I was out of bed even less. I needed to take a shower, and was so concerned about falling that I had Tom in there with me the whole time just to be safe.

Even on slow-acting and fast-acting morphine, I had severe body aches today. My temperature crept up a few tenths of a degree which made me a little nervous. But it is back down to normal now. Because of the virus, I’m going to be keeping a close eye on it.

I have three mouth sores, but with the steroid mouth rinse I’m using, I’ve been able to stop them from getting worse, and no more have shown up in the past few days. I’m managing my super dry mouth pretty well and just dealing with the horrible taste in my mouth all the time.

I’m struggling to eat because all food just sounds horrible to me. I drank a few Ensures today and did have some meatloaf, mashed potatoes and carrots for dinner.

Tonight I took the 6th full dose of the new chemo pill. About 20 minutes after that the doctor returned my call and recommended cutting the dose back in half again to see if we can fix some of these problems. We also adjusted my pain meds a little.

On top of feeling just absolutely horrible, I’m struggling with being a mom. Tom is amazing. He gets up every day, takes care of all the food in our home, works from the front room and takes care of all our needs. The girls are not motivated to do a whole lot. If I was a healthy Mom, I would be up doing things with them and motivating them to do stuff. I just can’t and I hate it so much. I know I need to show myself grace, but I’m really struggling. I need my girls to be up and doing some more, but I don’t know how to do that when I can’t get myself out of bed. It’s so hard to be laying here in bed and listening to Tom do things all around the house all day long. I feel so useless. I know my body is fighting to live. I get that. But how do I just lay here? I have no choice right now, but it’s killing me.