I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that on Wednesday, I start Chemo.
Over the weekend, we enjoyed time with friends and family in our home, I took the girls out to get pedicures, we went to church as a family, the girls went to a birthday party, we enjoyed time together and got frustrated at the kids because THEY DON’T STOP TALKING . . . you know . . . normal life as a family.
What’s not normal is the changing of the guard. . . Tom switching over to taking care of meals, bills, etc. It’s funny how organized I thought I was with all our bills until I had to sit down and explain it (or attempt to) to him. I offered to run to the store today since he was going to work, but he nicely said he needs to start doing things now so he can ask questions if he needs to. For the past 20 years I have tried so hard to take things OFF his plate and support him and his career in any way I can. He’s commented a few times that he only is where he is today in his job because of my support at home. But now I am giving everything back. That’s really hard. I can tell he’s concerned about what the future looks like. It’s killing me!
What’s not normal is going to the eye Dr. for a routine check up and having to tell him you have Stage 4 breast cancer and start chemo on Wed. When I told my dental hygienist last week I really caught her off guard and felt bad. So at least I paused for a second before just telling this Dr. How do you tell people, even doctors and nurses? It’s just horrible.
What’s not normal is hearing so many people tell me how “I’ve got this” and how strong I am and how I’m going to make it through because they know someone that has. The part so many don’t get is that the person they knew with breast cancer was not Stage 4. Any other stage and it’s not a death sentence. Sage 4 . . . well, I’m going to be dealing with this for the REST OF MY LIFE unless God chooses to heal me. There is no cure. So, no I don’t “got this,” but thankfully God does.
UPDATE 2 hours later – The oncologist just called and I was able to ask him all my questions. Yes there is no cure, but he said that so many statistics out there for Stage 4 patients are not only for older patients, but for those where it has spread to a much larger area. He said that it’s good that only a small part of my disease is Stage 4. He said our goal is for long term remission.
Tomorrow is my last day of “normal”. Although going shopping with a friend for a wig and having blood drawn from my fancy new port doesn’t really seem normal either. But at least it’s the last day I can say I’m chemo free for a while.
I guess today really is my last day of normal. Fun . . . flu shots for the girls, latte for me while waiting for an Eye Dr. appointment and now at home in a quiet house by myself.
One day at a time. . . trusting God for peace and rest as we adjust to a new normal starting Wednesday.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
Specific prayer requests:
- Sleep at night – our minds easily get the best of us when we are trying to sleep or if something (or a little someone) wakes us up early
- Taking one day at a time and not worrying about the future
- That my body will respond as well as possible to the Chemo on Wednesday. I go in at 9 am and have been told to plan on 4 1/2 hours the first time. 1 hour to talk and 3 1/2 hours for the infusion. The Dr. said that with the two Chemo infusions I am getting, nausea can be a problem, so we have a few medicines to battle that. The thought of throwing up all the time really scares me, so please pray for that!!