Goodbye 5 vials of blood….not sure if I want the blood test results to come back and show a problem, or if I want everything to come back normal. What I do know, is that I’m tired of this off and on severe pain throughout my entire body and I’d like some answers!
Over the past 3 1/2 years, I’ve been really good about documenting the medicines and supplements I’ve taken, as well as what pain and side effects I’ve had, whether it’s been from Chemo or a drug that I’m trying to take to try and prevent the cancer from returning.
This morning, I sat with my fabulous primary care doctor, Dr. Jessica McAbee, and we looked through all the journaling I’ve done since August 2016, when I took the first hormone blocking pill. 5 days later this pain started and has come and gone ever since. While a high dose of vitamin D has helped some, the only thing we know for sure is that these 4 drugs (Arimidex, Aromasin, Femara and Tamoxifen) all give me the same side effects and even when I am off them, the pain doesn’t totally go away, at least not for long. I had no pain like this before I started taking them. So the question is, why do I still have the pain when the medicine is supposedly out of my system? Are there long term side effects from these pills? That is my biggest question today!
So this morning, Dr. McAbee ordered every test she could think of, inside and outside of the box, which totaled 5 vials of blood, to rule out a whole bunch of things (autoimmune disorders, rheumatoid arthritis…things like that). I also messaged my oncologist to hear his thoughts on long term side effects from these drugs.
Right now here’s my main thought – 2 1/2 years is a long time to deal with this and I’m just about done. I’ve given it my best effort! I really have! But if taking a pill to try and prolong my life makes me feel like this, then it’s not worth it. I’m done!
If I’m being honest, I have had thoughts that stopping the pill is like a death sentence….that somehow these pills are what are keeping the cancer away and if I stop trying to take them, it will return.
That might be the case.
I know the statistics for stage 4 breast cancer.
It can come back at any time.
But God is so much bigger than a little pill or a statistic. He alone knows how many days I have left. My hope is in Him, not in a pill. And while I’m very thankful for modern medicine and the men and women who have more medical knowledge than I do, God is ultimately in control. That is what I have to cling to and remember.
I admit I’m discouraged, and a little sad, and don’t really feel like doing anything at the moment. I will probably regret the decision to eat pie and ice cream for lunch while watching I Love Lucy instead of prepping dinner and doing laundry. But at the moment, I’m struggling to “adult”. Tonight we’ll warm up lasagna for dinner and might not have a fruit or vegetable with it. We’ll probably have more pie. We’ll watch more TV than we should. I’ll probably take another Tramadol just so I can get through the night and function somewhat. The house will not be as clean as I’d like and tomorrow someone might have to wear a pair of jeans out of the laundry basket. Oh well. We’ll survive.
If you are still reading….thanks. I hope this doesn’t come across as complaining. I don’t mean for it to…still just trying to be honest and transparent and show what life looks like in the years after active cancer treatment. It doesn’t end after the last chemo, radiation or surgery. đ
I’m always thankful for comments, so please leave them below. However, and I say this in the most loving way I can type, I am not looking for advice, so thank you for understanding and respecting that. đ
Eat the pie and ice cream, watch too much TV, and when the girls get home give them hugs and repeat. Have S warm up the lasagna. đ I’m so sorry that even now this is what life is. You are right – the pain shouldn’t be there after all this time. I will be praying for you, Jennifer. That you get some answers. That you have peace. All my love, S
Thank you my friend!
I can so understand what you are feeling. I am in excruciating pain every day and I say the same thing-there is no one or nothing more powerful than God, and He alone holds my future and any healing He may decide to give me-in His hands. Whether that healing comes through a pill or treatment or other method , it will ultimately come from Him. But I know what you mean about being “done.” A lot of days I force myself to get out of bed. and keep going. I’m so sorry Jen, I wish your pain would just disappear. Please believe this, though- your family doesn’t care about the house being clean or the wash put away as much as they want you in their lives. In the end, you matter much more than a well-organized home.
Jennifer, I respect you so much.
Iâm reminded how our Lord said, âTake my yoke,â. He carries our burdens and gives us rest. No one can make these choices, but the one who is living in the moment.
Because the Bible says, âWithout faith it is impossible to please Himâ, you have the âjoy inexpressible and full of gloryâ knowing that you have pleased your Savior through your faith.
May your trust in Him be sweet,
Marilee
Thank you Marilee.
We’ve been praying for relief from daily pain and for you to find some answers every day since you and I talked!
Thank you. đ
I am praying for you, Jennifer. And our small group will pray for you this evening. Will pray for answers from the doctors and for relief from the daily pain. Constant pain is wearing on the body and soul. May you find rest in the arms of Jesus.
Thank you Kim.
Your honesty and transparency is brave. So many hide behind a facade. I always think knowledge is power and when you get the results of your tests, I think it will empower you- meanwhile, I say keep eating the pie. Will pray for you.
Thanks Tonya! There is still one more piece….
I am so sorry Jennifer. You are lifted up in our prayers. Love aunt carol
Thanks Aunt Carol.
Oh, friend! What a painful reminder that this journey is far from over. I’m praying these tests provide some answers and guidance for you. And you are right….our God is able to do far more than we often believe. He can use those pills for cancer prevention, but He certainly doesn’t need them! I’m praying for wisdom for you too in these decisions.
And yes, leftovers and TV is fine; don’t beat yourself up! Hugs!!
Thank you for your honesty. It is easy for those of us who have not gone through cancer to remember that the journey does not end with that last treatment. You truly are a very strong woman. And through out this journey, as a praying bystander, I have seen God shine through your strength and your vulnerability. Eat pie and ice cream if that is what you need. You are doing great!!!
Thank you Wendy.
Hey girl I pray they get to the bottom of it. I too understand the chronic pain from my MS. I wish you didnât have to deal being in pain constantly like I am. I know it has to be so much different then mine… Praying they find the problem and there is some kind of medication that can help you. I am so proud and encouraged by you!!! If your mom was still with us, she would be so proud too. I wish we lived closer so I could come and give you big hugs. Love you baby girl!!
Love Aunt Karen
Thanks Aunt Karen. Love you too.
Jennifer, thank you for sharing honestly your struggles, we are praying for you. Please let us know anything we can do for you. Much love, Chuck and Bobbie
Thank you Bobbie.
So sorry Jennifer. Missed seeing you the other night. Praying for some relief and answers for you.
I was so discouraged that night. I really wanted to come spend time with everyone. . But there will be other nights! Thanks for praying.
You’re not complaining – you’re being honest. Very real. We will continue to pray, dear one!
Thank you so much Judy!
Your not complaining. You have been a strong Christian women, a wife, a mother,a cook, a housekeeper and above all a loving and caring person to everyone. I love you and my prayers are with you
Thanks Emily!
No advice. Just sending love and prayers
(Ever try Orange Sherbet ice cream with mini chocolate chips sprinkled over it? Yum – O).
Never tried that, but it sounds interesting. Thanks for the tip!
You know the feeling of inadequate words to help comfort someone? That’s me.
Know that you are loved and prayed for often.
Thank you my friend. That means a lot.
My heart hurts for you. Iâve been there. May God give you wisdom and clear direction in the days ahead. Keeping you in my prayers. Bonnie
Thank you so much for your quick reply to my email yesterday Bonnie, and for sharing your journey!
I’m with Linda… don’t have the words that would truly be the “right” thing to say but my heart aches with yours and my prayers are now more directed after your honest sharing… thank you for letting us bear this with you and pray for you. You are truly a testimony to God working in you throughout this whole process… lots of love and hugs to you! <3
Thank you my friend. It was fun to run into you for a couple minutes at the store yesterday.
Jen…I knew youâd been dealing with cancer for some time, but wasnât aware of your pain issue. Iâve never had cancer, but deal with constant excruciating back pain on a daily basis, with little hope of it ever alleviating. Itâs so hard to keep the facade of âdoing okay.â But I know my Jesus knows, so thatâs it. Just faith that He truly KNOWS gets me through. My home is never suitable for company or family but He reminds me He KNOWS. I pray for you, Jen, for the pain…for the battle…and for the much-needed rest. Please let me know if I can help.
Thank you for the encouragement Jan.
Oh Jennifer…I remember saying we now lived in a “new normal” as I was just months ahead of you on the chemo, surgery, radiation “train” and now, like you, I can’t seem to function as I once did. I know I’ve learned quite a bit as I’ve looked at several things that seem to be plaguing me, and while I do feel better than I did a year or so ago, I’m a far sight away from anything I would consider “normal” or some sort of health. So, I guess I want to say “I understand” (though my side effects are different). It is discouraging to not be able to put ourselves back together, nor deal with the continued side effects/effects of the aromatase inhibitors. I find my rest and hope in the Lord, who knows all that we need. I’m also going to see a naturopathic doctor next month, who helps people who are under going treatment for cancer. I hope that she’ll be able to shed more light on what I can do/take to overcome even more of what plagues me. Praying for relief for you as well and knowing that the Lord is the One who has overcome even disease and that some day we will shed these faulty bodies and bring us into perfection with Him.
I’ve been thinking about going to a naturopath as well. Keep me posted on that.
Wish you were still next door so I could help in a tangible way, You guys remain in my prayers.
Miss those days so much!!